Happy Birthday, Raquel

Dear Raquel,

Happy Birthday, baby! Last night, I held you in my dreams. It's all hazy now but I can recall your skin, warmth, dark eyes. It isn't hard to picture you as I see glimpses every time I look around. Your brother, sister, dad all share distinct physical characteristics with you.

This first year passed very differently from what I envisioned at your conception. Instead of witnessing milestones in your life, I got to see small ways in which the Lord ministered to and grew us.



Grieving for what we lost in not having you with us is tempered by knowing and thinking about all you gained. You are with the Lord, surrounded by His everlasting peace and love. I know you don't desire us to weep with sadness over not having you here and yet, the tears sometimes fall. Thankfully they are far more rare than they were initially. The pain seems so much deeper and much harder to pinpoint.

My body still knows every anniversary. Every month on the anniversary of the day you passed onto eternal life, I feel sick. My body aches, everything feels off and I honestly don't know why. February 8th, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me until that afternoon driving home from an errand. I turned the radio on and the first song to play was "I Can Only Imagine." The weeping began immediately. The reason everything was off was because it was the day that marked eleven months that you'd passed onto eternal life.

It's strange to recall but a few weeks later, the Lord challenged me by impressing into my spirit that I needed to release you. I don't really understand what that means or how to do it. I thought I had. I guess it's kind of like forgiveness, you choose to forgive every time the offense is replayed in your mind and the release goes deeper every time. I prayed to release you with my body, spirit, mind, heart. By faith, I believe G-d will supernaturally help me let you go, appropriately and in due time. I'm continuing to pray this prayer and will do so until I am enjoying complete surrender and peace in this area.

We visited your grave site to mark every anniversary. The visits got sweeter and easier. Each time blessed us for different reasons.

You remain very much alive in our hearts and a sweet part of our family. We still miss you and love you more than I can begin to share.

Mom