It's Raquel's 5th Birthday! Who knew what the last five years would hold but G-d? Our limited perspective never gave us a glimpse into what these years would be like. Tried over the last couple of days to see if I could come up with a list of lessons learned and sadly, I came up short. I'm glad that Gary had that insight and he shared it with me. A few weekends ago, I watched little E. (born a few weeks before Raquel) dance and run and skip. She beamed of joy and love! It made me smile from the inside out. I think it was a moment in time where heaven and earth converged. I pictured Raquel in that brief moment dancing away in those green pastures by smooth waters. Bittersweet. This is the first year I didn't feel torn by inner pain and hidden sorrow as her birthday approached. The year she died, I wanted to rush through the grieving process because the pain was so intense and I hoped relief was just around the corner. I guess the last five years taught me that despite best intentions, hopes, and prayers, NOTHING changes before predetermined by Him. We had to live through each moment of sorrow as it came. Grateful that I can breathe deeply now. I look forward to visiting her in two days to wish her a Happy Birthday. No matter how much time passes, I'll never forget her or these anniversaries. Just writing about her makes me weep tears that I know aren't going unnoticed by Abba. O.k. so now that I'm actually letting my mind think about her, pain is still coming to the surface. What a blessed relief, actually. The last few days were strange in that no tears fell as I helped comfort my children. They mourn over what could have been and what is for other families. My only encouragement is for them to stop fighting and to yield to our sovereign G-d. Laying down our desires, dreams, plans and trusting our loving/living G-d to give us His best isn't easy. Knowing He's chosen to begin instilling this lesson into my children at their tender ages requires lots of yielding, I assure you. The last year has been rocky outside our four cozy walls. We have been stretched, pruned, shaken, fallen but through it all, He has lifted us up and given us His strength and help. Praying this next year brings relief from some of the intensity and much clearer direction on the way that we should go...in the meantime, I hope our Raquel is dancing, running, singing, playing and learning as unto the L-rd. Little E. please keep dancing along with J. as it helps me picture RED!