This Blog is dedicated to telling Raquel Elise's story, how she impacted our lives and what a precious gift she was to us.
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Welcome to Raquel Elise's Blog
You Tube Video
The video below is from our hospital stay and captures Raquel's 10 days.
7: The number of completion
This year marks the 7th anniversary of your birth and death, Raquel. It’s different from all the previous ones and not at all what I envisioned. In the past, there was such solemnity and so many quiet moments and the last week or so have been anything but that. On the one hand, I’m glad for the joy and happy memories but on the other, my heart feels like it’s bursting with sadness because I miss you so much. The entire family feels the same way and still weeps over you being gone.
One of the songs that encompassed our desires for you before and right after your birth was “I Hope You Dance.” We so wanted the opportunity/blessing of seeing you grow up and live life to the fullest but it wasn’t His plan for you. Still aches to even acknowledge that fact but thankfully, it’s less difficult than it was in the beginning.
A few months ago, Sophia let me know that her studio was invited to participate in some dance events in February and March. It amazed me that the dates coincided with your birth and death. I don’t believe in coincidences – only His timing. Sophia dancing on these two dates is a heavenly kiss and a beautiful way to honor your memory. Nathaniel wasn’t left out, either. He plays piano in a musical festival on the 7th.
One of the songs chosen for February 27th was Oceans by Hillsong. It was the first time the girls new to company got to perform alongside the rest of the girls to this song. I can’t think of a more perfect one for this season and anniversary. It truly was beautiful and moving and memorable for our family.
This year, I want to reflect on our lives especially on this anniversary. Biblically, seven represents completion. There were many things that ended in the past twelve months. I’m praying that this season of unexpected grief over your loss and a few other important things is at an end. I’m hopeful that it is. Prayerfully, we can celebrate a bit more in the coming years that we got to enjoy you at all.
Before Nathaniel performs tomorrow and Sophia dances en pointe on Sunday, I want to spend some time reflecting on our new beginnings, year 8, and the joy they bring. We are all benefiting from precious reminders of His love and it’s safe to say that signs of our new season abound everywhere. We have a new family business that prayerfully will gain momentum and grow beyond our hopes; we are part of a new congregation that is challenging old paradigms (change is hard, though) and overflowing with the sweetest love; new friendships are blossoming in unexpected places even while dear and constant friends remain a true blessing; Gary and I have survived a year of school and absolutely love learning and growing; lastly our kids are thriving in the cultivation and exploration of their G-d given gifts even while they are growing up.
It’s a good season and we are grateful for the work He is faithfully doing in and through us. Here is a link so we can forever enjoy of Impact Dance of Atlanta performing Oceans at JazzonTap in Marietta. (p.s. Thank you, Heidi for creating a YouTube account so this video could be uploaded at my request. So appreciate you!)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9nQ6yP1gBlM
Mom (lost my username and password so I must post through Gary)
Click Here to Read More..
Mom (lost my username and password so I must post through Gary)
Most of you know that during Raquel's pregnancy, I looked for Scriptures that contained water references in them. (My amniotic fluid was low and I needed it to remain at a certain level to maintain my pregnancy.) There was one chapter, Isaiah 55, that ministered to me because of it's message. I recited those verses over and over during those long months. When Raquel died, we had the reference inscribed on her memorial stone.
Seek the Lord while He may be found; Call upon Him while He is near. 7 Let the wicked forsake his way And the unrighteous man his thoughts; And let him return to the Lord, And He will have compassion on him, And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon. 8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts. 10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, And do not return there without watering the earth And making it bear and sprout, And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; 11 So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. 12 “For you will go out with joy And be led forth with peace; The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, And all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 13 “Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up, And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up, And [e]it will be a [f]memorial to the Lord, For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.”
I know the chapter refers to the Jewish return to eretz Israel after their exile but I know Adonai used it to remind me of His love, compassion, mercy. The night before Raquel died, it poured for hours and that following morning, it snowed as I drove back to the hospital to finally hold and release my dear daughter.
The following year, we planned a trip to DC. We were hoping it would rain (always represents blessing) and snow during the anniversary of her birth and death. Amazingly, it did. It began snowing on the 28th and throughout the next ten days in Atlanta and the corridor up to and including DC. It was a freak storm. We were prepared for mild weather on our first trip to the capitol city but we were in for a frigid surprise.
Every year we wonder if it will rain and snow up in Roswell. And every year, one or both have greeted us. This year, a light snowfall began in north Georgia on March 1st. My mom let me know, it has snowed lightly every day. Sweet!
The rain (which flooded my south Georgia backyard this year) and the snow always touch my soul. Is it possible that our Abba remembers me and my sorrow every year and opens the heavens to touch me? It appears so. Not only did I receive that blessing but this year a bigger surprise awaited me.
On Raquel's 5th birthday, I found out two family members expecting babies, back in my hometown, were finally in labor. My dear brother and sister in law were patiently awaiting the arrival of their third child. She was due Saturday, February 23rd but she arrived later than predicted. My cousin gave birth to a handsome boy and my beloved SIL brought forth a beautiful little girl on March 1st. It felt like a double portion blessing. Two sweet gifts being sent by Adonai to our family! I was thanking Him, weeping and rejoicing, at the gift and the timing but He wasn't done yet.
The first picture I saw of my niece made me gasp. She looks nothing like her first two blonde siblings but instead she looks very similar to Raquel. Yes, you read correctly. I couldn't trust my eyes, so I asked my dear hubby and children. Of course, we had the three large digitally enhanced portraits made of Raquel in the room for a good comparison. Wow.
As if all that wasn't enough, my brother and SIL chose to make this child Raquel's namesake. This was HUGE. My little niece is forever linked with my precious baby. She is Aleena Elise. The honor given us is immeasurable. I'm still trying to process it all.
A big heartfelt thank you to my bro and sis. Your gift made this anniversary even more remarkable than I imagined possible. I can't wait to meet my darling niece.
Thinking About You
Hi, baby! Not really sure what I want to write but I thought about you, today.
It's not as if I don't think about you every day (your amazing photos are all around) but over the weekend I wondered what you might have looked like at almost four. Our friend's DD was born a few short weeks before you. When I see her,I sometimes let my mind wander off.
I imagine you as an inquisitive, and impulsive little girl. Maybe you have long, dark curly hair. Daydream ends before I enter the 'what if' realm. I'm content with that short relapse.
Your daddy has been revisiting old wounds from four years ago. Although painful, it's necessary for his healing. He, all of us, loved you unreservedly. I suppose there will always be a hole in our family here but thankfully, all the comforting and healing words shared with us when you passed have born true. While you are missed, G-d faithfully mended our brokenness. I'm so grateful for His love and tenderness. Life without Him is unimaginable, really. How can others cope after a tragedy without the eternal hope and promises from above?
Despite the sadness associated with your death, it was a glorious time as well. I have never felt G-d's presence and love more intimately than I did during my pregnancy, your ten days, and the year afterward. Our family was sweetly carried through the valley of the shadow of death and passed through unto life. Thanking Adonai and remembering what G-d did for us almost four years ago.
Love and miss you.
Third Birthday!
Dear Raquel,
I'm writing you another letter to share a few thoughts and questions. Although three years have passed since your birth (almost), it can still feel like it was just yesterday.
Life mercifully keeps me quite busy so I don't needlessly spend my time dwelling on painful thoughts and memories but on certain anniversaries, I do reflect on your short time with us. You would be turning three if all had been well. In a perfect world, I can imagine you talking, laughing, running, and teasing your siblings. I can see you trying to be just like Soohia and asking her to teach you to knit or crochet or perhaps how to draw.
Instead, though, I must picture you in heaven. It still isn't easy. Yet, there isnt a sweeter, better place for you. Do you sing with angels? Do you get held by Abba or Yeshua? Are you fully grown or are you growing up according to earth's time? What do you look like? What are your strengths? Are you like us in temperament?
Sophia just walked in after making you a card. She asked me if thought anyone else remembered you or if others had forgotten you. Yes, others remember you and our experience. She is weeping. Nathaniel is working on a card for you, too. This is Sophia's poem for you this year:
Birthday Wish
If I could make a wish
I would wish you were here.
If I could I would build a tower
Or staircase
All the way to heaven.
If I could I would ask G-d
To give you a letter saying "hi,"
But since I can't, I'll just say Happy Birthday
And Goodbye!
As you can see, we all love and miss you dearly. Selfishly, we wish you were physically with us. Be patient, we will understand all someday. For now, please know that we still ache when we think of you, our little heavenly lamb.
Love,
Mom
Happy 3rd Birthday Raquel
On February 28, 2011 it will be the three year anniversary of Raquel's Birthday. Recently we were sharing the story of Raquel with a couple over dinner. The severity of the pain and the intensity of the loss all came rushing back.
I was surprised by all the emotions that came rushing back. My mind was flooded with the memories of the hospital, how G-d spoke to use through dreams, the hard and painful lessons we had to learn.
Over the past three years much has changed and yet much remains the same. We continue to miss her, continue to love her, continue to serve the living G-d, and are thankful for our two children here on earth.
We have deep empathy for anyone that has suffered a similar loss, and know that we serve a big G-d with big plans.
HE has taught us that loving and serving the Lord is not without pain, challenges and struggles. That G-d's "goodness" is not defined by the absence of pain, but by an eternal focus on the precious souls he wants to redeem.
While the world is in turmoil, and things are worsening by the day, we know who sits on THE THRONE. The great I AM.
We also know, somewhere among the throngs of those singing Kadosh, Kadosh, Kadosh (Holy, Holy, Holy), is our little Raquel. Sing baby sing! For truly our Messiah is Holy and worthy to be praised.
We love you and miss you Raquel. Happy Birthday.
Through the Fire
Most of you visiting this site know that we miscarried a precious baby last week. Yes, we were are shocked by this loss. We are making progress but it is quite slow.
This summer we learned that we were expecting another baby. It was a huge surprise and blessing. Don't get me wrong, I had to fight against lots of fears that wanted to rise up and control my thoughts and life but we did. I woke up every day giving thanks for that day of life for our little one. Honestly, though, I believed this pregnancy was going to be easy and sweet because last time was so excruciating. After all, we weren't trying to get pregnant, my hormonal issues should have prevented a pregnancy, so we counted on Him making this time around different from last. It was different but still painful.
After meeting with several different doctors in our new home town, we picked one where we felt comfortable (as comfortable as I am able to be in a doctor's office). All three doctors were outstanding, it was the office staff that made the difference. We love the new place and it's a good thing since we've had lots of office visits already.
Light spotting clued me in to the fact that something might be wrong. It eventually led to a full miscarriage including contractions and all. In a weird way, I'm glad for that because it gives me an official miscarriage date. No, I didn't appreciate them while they were happening.
Last week, we mourned and grieved with such heaviness I felt like I could barely breathe. My children were crushed. When they first learned of this baby, one danced and the other cried. They were so excited a baby was finally going to be ours. It broke my heart further that they had to endure this loss right alongside us, again. Our extended family and our friends struggled with this as well.
We received a huge outpouring of love from all but the pain drowned so much of it out. The questions overwhelmed each of us. Why? Why? No answers from the Lord. No hints. No clue.
I got lots of notes, Scriptures, encouraging words but no satisfactory answers. This weekend, though, I got an e-mail from a longtime friend. She ended with a Scripture from Hebrews 5:8, "Yet he learned obedience through the things which he suffered." That Scripture was one I kept reciting during my first miscarriage 12 years ago. It simultaneously hurt and calmed me when I read her words. Another dear friend told me the Scripture that came to mind when she prayed for us was "we are all counted as sheep to be slaughtered." That was from Romans 8. That was what I was given when I ran into problems early on with Raquel. It doesn't make any sense in this realm but it helped me remember that this isn't my home. My family and I are being prepared for our heavenly home sometime in the future. It is a painful road. He never promised our lives with Him would be easy. He never said He wouldn't give us more than we could handle (no, it's not in the Bible but you are welcome to look - He said He wouldn't allow us to be tempted beyond what we could endure).
So, after seeing my response last week, I realize how far from the mark I am. I'm still bucking when I don't get my way or my desires. I'm nowhere near crucifying my flesh in order to live for Messiah but I am on the right road. G-d's love isn't a mushy feeling that makes us better. At least that's not my experience. He sent His son to die for us because He loved us. Yeshua willingly laid down His life because He loved us. That kind of love is what He is pouring out to each of us. The questions is this, are we willing to continue yielding to it no matter what it costs?
A sermon about Raquel Elise
Rabbi Eric Walker of Beth Hallel Birmingham, a messianic synagogue in Alabama, delivered a message to his congregation on April 12, 2008 (her original due date) about the purpose of Raquel's short life. The message is great and blessed our family tremendously. Please click on the title of the post to hear the sermon.
If you are ever in the Birmingham area please visit their congregation. You will be blessed. Click here to learn more about Congregation Beth Hallel Birmingham
End of post.
I Hope You Dance
The Lord your G-d is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)
The timing of receiving this Scripture is truly sweet and memorable. This past week was the 23rd month anniversary of Raquel's death and burial. It was an emotional one for me and a few members of my family.
There are a few songs that always remind me of her. One is "I Can Only Imagine" and the other is "I Hope You Dance." I rarely hear them anymore, except for significant dates. This week I heard them a few times randomly.
The first time was on the 8th and then followed by the 9th. When we chose "I Hope You Dance" for the picture montage we created after she died, we were expressing our sincerest prayers and desires for her life. On earth, of course, they never materialized. Whenever I hear that particular song now, all the memories of that time period flood my heart very powerfully. I'm not yet at a place where I can say it's a painfree experience. I don't think it can be...
The last few months have been rough for one reason or another. Various health issues, coupled with being in a new location that is far away from those I'm closest to, my dh working round the clock, etc. created an environment that was either ripe for growth or for spiritual decline. Thankfully, spiritual growth ensued.
G-d takes us to those places of deep hurt in order to heal and restore us. It sounds illogical to even write that but it's true. Much to my chagrin, I can't tell you that I face those places boldly, instead, I try my best to avoid them at all costs. I'm not at all like saints of old who accepted pain, hardship, and suffering because they knew how much it would grow their character and make them Messiah like. Yet, despite my lack of cooperation and because G-d loves me and He is faithful to complete the work He began in me, He allows situations to occur in order to allow the hidden, secret hurts that I've worked so hard to ignore or forget to surface. They can only be dealt with out in the open.
The last few months have been full of those moments. My fleshly tendency is to want to withdraw, and hide from His hand and what He is doing. My heart wants to run from anything challenging or difficult. Despite it all, He helped me walk through the fire. Slowly but surely I am working my way through the book called "The Release of the Spirit" by Watchmen Nee. It's not your typical "tickle your ear" fare. So far, it's been very persuasively reminding me that my flesh must be crucified in order for the spirit to live.
The Lord faithfully, and gently, brought me to a place of brokenness in order to heal and restore me. If you are going through a difficult season, be encouraged that in this.. It is only a season and the sweetness that follows is so worth the temporary pain of today.
On Wednesday, the 10th, the kids and I had discussed Raquel's passing and how much it still hurts each of us. Later that afternoon we were heading out to run an errand. On the way, my Ipod turned off and the radio came on and the song it was playing was "I Hope You Dance." Up until that point, I always associated the song with our wishes for Raquel but at that moment, it dawned on me that G-d was playing it for me. The One who knows my every tear and weakness was serenading me. I confess the tears just kept streaming down my face. When I listened to the words of the song, it seemed to address every one of the spoken/unspoken reasons I have for withdrawing. Yes, I know that isn't His will or plan for me. It just takes me a bit to get onboard with Him. What can I say, I need lots of prompting. That kiss from G-d was a huge blessing. He wants me to dance, live, face challenges courageously. It is possible but only in Him.
Two days later, He confirmed what I'd gathered from the song in a totally unexpected way. I received and read the Proverbs 31 encouragment called "When G-d Serenades You" by Micca Campbell. The Scripture I started out with isn't one I knew beforehand, but you can be sure, it will remain in my heart now. G-d never ceases to amaze me with the creative ways He uses to reach and teach me. I shouldn't be surprised He chose music as much as I love it.
I am so grateful His love and tendermercies are new every morning. Even though time continues to pass, G-d almighty gently and sweetly reminds me that He never leaves or forsakes any of us, even when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
p.s. It snowed in Valdosta, Georgia last night for the first time in twenty years, I believe. Isaiah 55 just keeps ringing in my ears.
New Beginning
This summer turned out very differently from what I'd pictured. After a busy and stressful year, I imagined slower paced, easier days were around the corner. What actually happened wasn't what I expected.
We learned we were going to move to a different city, away from everyone and everything we love so dearly.
Many of our plans changed but some remained the same. We still participated in the Peachtree Race. Kristi S., Bob W., Gary and I walked/jogged the course this year. The weather and our start time were absolutely perfect. It was cool and slightly breezy. We finished well and feeling strong. Ynes was waiting for us with ice cold water bottles and snacks. This was a pleasant and memorable experience, unlike last year. Last year was excruciating and heartbreaking. This one was sweet and fun.
We celebrated the 4th of July with family and friends that evening. Everyone met for dinner at Sugo's in Roswell and then we watched fireworks together. I'll not forget that moment in time, either. Bruce and Linda T. along with my mom and sister ate and laughed and were entertained by the powerful but beautiful fireworks that evening. We already knew that a move was in our future so we made the most of our time.
We visited our new destination and looked for homes to either rent or purchase. Before we even left our home, though, we found one on the internet which is now our home. Gary said it was the house for us when he heard the address.
Rain and Snow - Isaiah 55 cont.
We visited Raquel's grave site on her birthday and the anniversary of her death this year. Family and a few friends braved the cloudy day to help commemorate her birthday with us. While we were there we shared a few memories and Scriptures with those present. We were leaving the site and bound for DC. It was our first trip there. We were so excited and couldn't wait to actually visit and explore.
I made a passing comment about how I knew the Lord would continue to fulfill Isaiah 55's promise of rain and snow during the ten day anniversary. I fully expected/believed it was going to rain and/or snow in Georgia and possibly DC where we were headed. It did.
We faithfully checked the weather while packing for our trip and they predicted sunny cool weather in the 50's and 60's during our stay in DC. That information led us to pack some decent but not so warm clothing. The weatherman got it wrong. A freak snow storm hit the area.
It rained on our drive up north but much to our surprise (and delight) a few days after we arrived, a winter storm dumped between 12 and 15 inches of snow in DC. All our friends here in Georgia also sent messages sharing how the snow looked on the ground outside their homes.
Our Abba allowed the rain and snow because He knew we were waiting for it to soothe and comfort us. G-d's word states that it will snow and rain in Isaiah 55. He allowed me to find that passage during my pregnancy when I desperately needed amniotic fluid to sustain Raquel's life, I continue to look for those signs and I haven't been disappointed.
Every major event since Raquel's conception and passing have been accompanied by rain and/or snow. Alyson W. shared not too long ago that rain has been a sign in her life, too. Rain brings new life forth.
Happy Birthday, Raquel
Dear Raquel,
Happy Birthday, baby! Last night, I held you in my dreams. It's all hazy now but I can recall your skin, warmth, dark eyes. It isn't hard to picture you as I see glimpses every time I look around. Your brother, sister, dad all share distinct physical characteristics with you.
This first year passed very differently from what I envisioned at your conception. Instead of witnessing milestones in your life, I got to see small ways in which the Lord ministered to and grew us.
Grieving for what we lost in not having you with us is tempered by knowing and thinking about all you gained. You are with the Lord, surrounded by His everlasting peace and love. I know you don't desire us to weep with sadness over not having you here and yet, the tears sometimes fall. Thankfully they are far more rare than they were initially. The pain seems so much deeper and much harder to pinpoint.
My body still knows every anniversary. Every month on the anniversary of the day you passed onto eternal life, I feel sick. My body aches, everything feels off and I honestly don't know why. February 8th, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me until that afternoon driving home from an errand. I turned the radio on and the first song to play was "I Can Only Imagine." The weeping began immediately. The reason everything was off was because it was the day that marked eleven months that you'd passed onto eternal life.
It's strange to recall but a few weeks later, the Lord challenged me by impressing into my spirit that I needed to release you. I don't really understand what that means or how to do it. I thought I had. I guess it's kind of like forgiveness, you choose to forgive every time the offense is replayed in your mind and the release goes deeper every time. I prayed to release you with my body, spirit, mind, heart. By faith, I believe G-d will supernaturally help me let you go, appropriately and in due time. I'm continuing to pray this prayer and will do so until I am enjoying complete surrender and peace in this area.
We visited your grave site to mark every anniversary. The visits got sweeter and easier. Each time blessed us for different reasons.
You remain very much alive in our hearts and a sweet part of our family. We still miss you and love you more than I can begin to share.
Mom
New Year
Writer's block prevented me from writing for awhile now. It comes and goes in cycles like everything else in life. There are so many experiences that I neglected to share over the last few months.
Yom Teruah marked a spiritual new year and it drew us closer to the end of our first year mourning Raquel's loss. This day meant so much to me. The beginning of a new spiritual season was huge. I wanted something tangible to mark the beginning of the end of a heartbreaking and difficult year.
It began on a great note. My close friend's mom gave her heart to Yeshua. She entered into her inheritance. This was exactly the kind of surprise Abba wanted to give all of us. That night after many months she'd agonized over this decision she was led to the Lord by a tenacious Rabbi we all know and love. This glorious event was a long time in coming. It cost many tears and prayers to be offered up on her behalf. I was blessed to be sitting next to her when she asked Yeshua into her life and heart and made Him Lord of her life. Wow. I have often reflected on what a special event I got to witness. She experienced the death and resurrection of Messiah! His atonement covered her sins. She is a new creation in Messiah. Her new life as a believer began.
Clarity
This morning I watched the you tube video for the first time in months.
Until this morning whenever I watched the video it served only to bring back the heart wrenching pain.
Only someone who has experienced similar circumstances can really understand those feelings. Feeling as if your very soul is being ripped out of you. We, the loved ones left behind, die a little as well. The loved one has moved on, and yet your soul is forever changed. You are forever left with a void that, as we have heard so many times before, only the Lord can fill.
In my earlier posts I wrote that while in the midst of the trial in the hospital I was covered with a supernatural spiritual covering. The prayers of the saints were tangible and real as never before. As the weeks and months wore on I felt that veil of peace leave me as I wrestled with the grief of the loss. Like most, my family struggled with "why", "why us", "why didnt you save her" and so on. We struggled with whether this was all just a waste because after all this passes, Raquel will be forgotten and we too will just be some of the walking wounded who have lost a love one.
We, the clay in the potter's hands, were screaming at the potter for making our little pot Raquel this way, only to destroy the pot anyways. Not so. The potter had a distinct purpose for HIS (not ours) little pot named Raquel Elise.
The purpose of those events continue to come into clarity. We continue to see how the Lord used those days, that terrible pain, to remove what has clouded my and my wife's vision for years....self. We see how our circumstances, our walk through the trial, our walk through the grief, continues to minister to others. These events taught us empathy and gave us a more eternal perspective of life. We know others going through trials of their own and we now know how to pray and how to serve them.
The Lord IS Good and is in control. Take a look at the picture at the top of this post. I envisioned what happened to us as a pebble being dropped into a still small pond. The concentric ripples representing the lives of our families and friends being touched by this event. However, as more time passed the Lord has shown me that the impact is far greater. Beneath the surface of the pond lies the real treasure, the kingdom of G-d. The impacts of these events are eternal and far reaching. We cannot see the Lord's entire purpose but we trust that it is good. Praise be to the Lord G-d of Israel.
Click Here to Read More..The capacity to love
It has been almost 8 months since our little Raquel went home. With time Terry and I have learned to once again trust the Lord with our broken hearts. It seems the more time that passes the more we see how the Lord truly healed our little girl and spared her from a life on earth filled with pain. Our 6 year old son is another story
Our son is having a real hard time accepting God's sovereign will. He doesn’t understand why God would take Raquel home at such a young age. Our son is experiencing a battle for his soul. I am confident the enemy is right there telling him lies and trying to reinforce those lies with false images of reality.
I underestimated my son's capacity to love. When we were going through the funeral and memorial services it seemed as if he was too young to understand. However as time goes by the Lord is revealing just how much he loves her. He is truly heartbroken over the loss and angry with God. We try to explain but in reality this is a spiritual battle that will be fought on our knees, not with our words.
We as parents should all learn this lesson. Our little ones are far more intuitive and sensitive than we give them credit for. Their little hearts are not yet cynical and tarnished by this fallen world. They love with such intensity and hope that it must hurt them more than we want to admit.
Father, help me and my bride understand our children fully, to love them unconditionally and to have wisdom. Amen
Goodbye, Jackson
This weekend an interesting (to me) thing happened. Allergies were making me uncomfortable and I had to leave our service in order not to disrupt the message with sneezing and sniffling.
Went to a prayer room and just started lifting different things up to the Lord. There were lots of prayer needs to offer Him but for some reason I felt awkward like I was supposed to be doing something or be somewhere else. At first I dismissed it because I should have been listening to the sermon but wasn't.
When the service was almost over, I went downstairs and ran into a young mom with a beautiful little boy. She said he was fussy so she took him out of the service. I got down to his eye level and he immediately began playing and trying to crawl/walk - move. He gave me his little arms and I picked him up. He started touching my face. His mom said he was intrigued by faces and loved touching them - his curiosity and my blessing. I asked her how old he was (months ago I would have kicked myself for that lapse in judgment). Jackson is almost seven months old. No bells went off and they should have but I guess enough time has finally passed that I've stopped making comparisons or maybe it was just allergies making my head dull that day? Who knows. We kept chatting and I learned she was visiting her sister's family but was moving away soon. When she told me her sister's name, I made the connection, finally.
I'd already met and held Jackson many months ago. Right after Raquel died, I'd seen this little baby in his aunt's arms during a Bible study. After the study ended, there were water immersions planned and that was really the only reason I chose to attend that night. Friends were getting baptized and I wanted to be there and rejoice with them.
When the service ended and I turned to leave, I saw one of our members standing in the center aisle holding a little baby. I knew the child wasn't hers because she wasn't expecting one. My first instinct was obviously to avoid her and walk around to the outside aisles to exit but I knew that I couldn't. So after steeling myself, I walked up and greeted her. I teased about her giving birth so suddenly and she shared he was her nephew. Then she did something totally unexpected. She offered to let me hold him. I wanted to scream, "no, thank you," but instead took him in my arms. The moment I touched him, my heart melted and I wanted to weep but I held myself pretty well until I asked his age. He was seven weeks old. He'd been born during Raquel's ten days on earth. At this news, I began weeping unabashedly and uncontrollably. The tears just kept rolling and I handed Jackson back then ran out the door. My family ran out after me asking what was wrong but I couldn't speak. It's so good to know that God holds all my tears in a bottle and that He promises to wipe them all away, someday.
Seconds before seeing him, I'd said a quick prayer of thanksgiving because I'd managed to not fall apart and was so glad I'd come that night. Now I questioned why I'd attended and wondered if I should just remain at home for a long, long time. Falling to pieces every time I saw a baby or heard a story, especially those involving miraculous healings wasn't easy or comfortable. God didn't let me hide away, though. He has kept me engaged, active and surrounded by loving family and friends.
I never forgot Jackson, though. He is a beautiful little boy with clear, blue eyes and now that he is older, a sweet smile. Seeing him forced me to think of Raquel and where she might be developmentally, if only. His mom gently asked if we were trying to have another child. That question alone would have sent me running not to long ago. I told her of our conviction (this wasn't always the case for us, either) in this area. We believe God opens and closes wombs. When Raquel first died, I didn't want to trust the Lord ever again with choosing our family size but mercifully, He prevented us from taking permanent measures in this area. Over the months, I've asked Him why He might want to open my womb again. I'm perfectly content with the awesome children I have and I'm not looking to replace Raquel with another baby. Not only that but I'm at an age where moving on to the next phase is perfectly o.k. with me. I shared with her that He's given me some clues and one of them is simply this. Should He give us another child, it's my ultimate pro life statement. It's also an act of complete trust in God. From the expression on her face, I think my answer surprised her.
And then I remembered she said they are moving away. It made me a little sad to say goodbye to him that afternoon but strangely enough I felt some closure to a story that started back in April. The lesson I gleaned from this chance encounter is simply this, while the pain remains ever present it is nowhere near as intense as it was in the beginning. God continues to faithfully heal all of our broken hearts. Seeing him reminded me of how far I'd come already. May the Lord bless you, Jackson and keep you. May He look upon you and be gracious unto you; may the Lord shine the light of His countenance upon you and grant you His peace. Baruch haShem.
p.s. The young woman who first handed me Jackson had no idea we'd lost Raquel. When she learned our sad news, she was mortified. She'd spent the last two weeks helping her sister out and hadn't been around anyone at our congregation to learn the news until that night when she witnessed my coming undone.
p.p.s. Jordyn, thank you for bringing me so much joy. Your love, attention, little hugs and smiles are priceless. You always happen on the scene just when I need it most. I love you so very much.
Off Camber Jeep Club - Raquel's March of Dimes Fundraiser
Gary's Jeep Club, Off Camber, hosted a March of Dimes fundraiser in Raquel's name. My family is grateful to all the great people who generously gave so much of their time, creativity, finances, and hard work - to name just a few things , to make this day a reality. I have to admit, though, going for me was a bit daunting. Some days I'm able to detach myself a bit and not break down and cry, while at other times, it feels like I've just birthed, loved and buried our little girl, and I struggle to hold back the flood works. Everyone there helped calm my heart, though, and blessed and encouraged all of us.
These are just of a few of the folks that helped this event come to fruition:
Thank you, Mike S., for sharing this special day with us. I thought of Jennifer's life and the few memories I'm blessed to have of her.
Clayton, we appreciate everything you did to organize the date, secure a location, promote the event and encourage participation from vendors as well as drivers.
Bill and Sue, We can't fully express our gratitude to you for working all weekend to organize and ensure great rides and a successful event. Thank you for all the behind the scenes work you did as well.
Gabe, everyone present must have thoroughly enjoyed the culinary skills you demonstrated on Saturday. We are still reminiscing about the smoky, brined chicken you gave us. Did you get anything to eat? BTW. Your bride is lovely in every way. You are truly blessed!
Of course, the event wouldn't have been successful without the vendors and all the drivers who participated. Your generosity and kindness won't soon be forgotten.
We will always remember this day and all you did to honor our family. May God bless each and every one of you beyond your wildest dreams and hopes.
Six Months
It's sprinkling out here in Canton and I welcome every blessed drop that falls. This day marks the six month anniversary of Raquel's death. Hard to believe she would be six months now. We miss her so much.
So much has taken place over the last several months. We ran the Peachtree, attended the March of Dimes fundraiser in Alabama, went on a family vacation, and starting home schooling for the 08-09 year.
Wish I'd written updates about each event as they occurred but I never got around to it. That's o.k. I'm sure I can still recall the highlights.
The Peachtree Road Race was excruciating for me. I never knew how demanding the actual race was until I did it. The heat and hills alone were enough to wear me out but added to that was the emotional and spiritual aspect of it.
The race paralleled my spiritual walk. Like most of my endeavors, I started out strong in the beginning. Was excited to be there to celebrate my daughter's short life. We actually jogged the first three miles but then at the midpoint, the runner's adrenaline was gone and I had to "will" myself to continue.
By this time, it was exceedingly hot as we didn't get to start until 9:00 a.m. - being in the last row. I began having really bad heartburn (changed my diet that week to prepare for the race and like everything else we did to train, initially, did it wrong). I honestly didn't know what it was and I let fear creep in and steal my joy.
I recall a man standing outside of a bar inviting us to enjoy a drink from his beer can. He happily reminded us that it didn't really matter as we'd already lost the race. Distinctly remember thinking it was like a jab directly from the enemy. He, too, often reminds us that we aren't perfect, continue to sin so why not just give in and quit trying to live Godly lives. ?
Fear kept me from jogging anymore so it took even longer to finish but yes, we all finished the race. In fact, we completed it almost half an hour sooner than we'd planned.
When I crossed the finish line I was glad it was over but very upset that I'd allowed anything to steal my joy in participating and even completing the race. Thankfully, I focused on the fact that with Messiah, I did actually finish in spite of the fact that my training began two weeks after my c-section and that I had never really been a runner until now.
Several friends met us and fed our famished bodies with great treats, fresh and cold water. They also poured out great encouragement. They were also kind enough to walk with us until we found a Starbuck's and indulged in a milky treat to replenish lost electrolytes.
When I got home, I asked the Lord why He didn't answer any of my prayers for an easier race like cooler weather, etc. He gently reminded me that it was His desire to show me I could persevere through any obstacle by His grace and with His help. I understood but I didn't exactly like it. My desire is and has always been for an easier path - a smooth road. Never realized how unlike Messiah my heartfelt desires have been. I want all of God's promises but none of the suffering the Bible mentions happens while we are in the world.
Thank you to Gary, Kristi and Michael for indulging and finishing this race with me. I couldn't have made it without your support, training help and your accountability.
p.s. After I began this post, it poured and we enjoyed God's light show. Thank you, Abba for weeping with me on this anniversary.
Off Road Community to raise money for the NICU
Some of you already know that I belong to several off road clubs. Off Camber 4WD, one of them, decided to raise money for March of Dimes, this year, in memory of Raquel. Terry and I are very grateful and honored that this club, vendors and the owners of the off road park chose to do this in memory of our little girl's valiant fight to live. The last two years, the event was held to honor Jennifer Scott - a beloved wife and mother - whose short life impacted many around her.
The money is being raised for a very worthy cause and group. March of Dimes is a significant contributor to the NIC units operations where little babies lives hang in the balance every day.
Why more pain now than before?
Its been almost 3 months since Raquel's passing and the pain is more intense today than ever before. Why?
While we were going through the hospital experience and in the weeks that followed I felt a peace and comfort that only can come from above. As I mention in other posts there was a bubble of supernatural peace over me that I have never experienced before.
Why are there such intense waves of pain now?
Why this heaviness of spirit wondering what my purpose in life is?
Why am I angry at G-d for what he put my family through?
Why now am I wondering whether I measure up in his eyes?
I have been thinking about this a great deal lately. So far the only conclusion I have drawn is that I have taken my eyes off the eternal and placed them on the temporal. Instead of focusing only on the eternal truths of the Bible I am looking at life through the lenses of my circumstances.
I am hungry to be in the L-rd's presence like I was at the hospital. When I am not in that place I feel like my life is a complete waste of time and meaningless. Nothing compares to being in his presence.
I can only imagine what Messiah must have felt while hanging on the tree and he felt the L-rd's presence leave him. He must have felt such an intense void of love and protection. To live outside the L-rd's presence and intense love is to live lost, naked and without hope.
I have placed my eyes upon my (me) circumstances, failures, purpose, direction, finances, health etc. I have taken my eyes off the L-rd and because of it have fallen away from the very thing I so desperately desire.
Help me Abba. Help me to be in your presence, in the holy of holies, at all times. Help me to dwell in the shadow if your wings and to walk in victory while in the midst of the sin around me. I am so desperately lost without you Daddy. Restore the Shalom and help me to walk in your precepts and not by my sight.
Miracles and Healing?
Haven't written or posted in awhile but it isn't for lack of desire more along the line of sorrow giving me writer's block, I guess.
Many of you questioned God (right alongside us) about His sovereign choice not to heal Raquel on earth. There are moments when my heart still breaks anew in pain over this but I need to share some insight and answers Adonai gave me concerning this. .
Just a couple of weeks after her birth and death, a dear and much loved friend called me to share a prayer request for her husband's health. He was hospitalized and in need of surgery. This couple has endured many hardships over the last ten years and this new test wasn't going to be easy. She asked me to pray. Out of love for this family, Gary and I chose to pour our hearts before Abba's throne. Honestly, I didn't know what or even how to pray. After all the prayers I'd fervently offered on behalf of Raquel and not having them answered like I'd hoped, I truly didn't know what to ask. Thankfully, the Ruach haKodesh (Holy Spirit) gave me the words and right heart. Suddenly, I found myself asking for spiritual healing of my friend's soul and mind. I remember saying, "if it's Your will, You can heal physically. May it be Your will to heal him." Also remember this supernatural knowledge being given to me during our prayer that Jeff didn't know the depth of Abba's love for him. Felt such great compassion and love well up in my heart for this wounded man. After praying, I encouraged Gary to visit him the next day at the hospital to share how much he was loved by our heavenly Father. Gary went to see him on Monday and communicated this Divine love to Jeff.
The next night I attended our Tuesday night Bible study and was pleased we were covering the book of Ecclesiastes. Recently, I found much in common with Solomon's view on life and was thrilled to learn more about this book. Afterward many were immersed (or baptized) and I couldn't wait to share in this joy, especially because of Rachel S. decision to obey Adonai is this.
Afterward when I was leaving, I checked my cell phone for messages. There was one from my friend Pam letting me know that her hubby was healed and didn’t require surgery after all. I was stunned. Dialed her number immediately and learned the awesome details. The rupture in his colon was no longer there. A final cat scan showed that something had changed between the night of admission and the present. Wow. I rejoiced in this merciful healing for the two of them but out of nowhere a question drowned all the joy and threatened to choke me, "why not Raquel?". Found myself praising Abba alongside my friend while simultaneously aching with a physical pain. I came home sobbing and feeling so hurt. Why didn't He choose to bring Himself great glory by healing Raquel? This would have been such an amazing testimony. Doctors would have seen firsthand His awesome power displayed and yet He chose to take her home instead. This felt like such a defeat.
The next morning in the shower I was reflecting on this healing and on miracles in general when I heard a gentle whisper in my spirit. It impressed the following deep in my heart. Healing a body is an easy thing for G-d to do but it isn't permanent. No one Yeshua healed is still alive today. They all died when it was their appointed time. People deny miraculous healings or forget them altogether. The Ruach haKodesh (Holy Spirit) shared that having two people (like us) continue to serve, love and trust Him despite our circumstances and our hearts being crushed was the greater miracle. Why? It required our cooperation and participation with His plan for our lives. This brought our Savior great glory because every time anyone acquainted with our grief saw us walking with the Lord, they would know G-d was real. Humans don't normally choose a path of obedience when confronted by similar circumstances without His help and grace. He reminded me that miracles were a sign for the unbelieving and that they were used by Him very specifically. He shared that my friend while not an unbeliever needed to be healed in order to receive the breadth and depth of Messiah's love for him. Our family did not need this particular lesson right now. Being the petulant child that I am, I asked another impertinent question but didn't get an answer. Imagine that!
After that exchange, I felt the supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding envelop me. I felt His awesome love comfort me. The potter doesn't have to answer ANY of my questions but He chooses to give me what I need and can handle because He loves and cherishes me. We serve a mighty and awesome Abba.
By now you might be wondering if I'm at a place of acceptance with what HaShem chose for Raquel. Honestly can tell you that I haven't arrived despite all of His love and sweet assurances. Surrendering a child isn't easy or painless especially knowing that my Savior had the power to create her without this infirmity and the power to heal her. Yet He chose something altogether different. Yes, my trust in Him is being challenged unimaginably, yet I know He loves my family and wants His best for us, eternally. Thankfully, He rebuilds those He's torn to pieces. It isn't up to me to complete this work. I only have to rest and press into Him. Adonai gave me this Scripture at a retreat this year and then confirmed it for me by two other people. May He remember this promise and do this for us quickly. My soul is yearning for His rain.
Hosea 6:1-3
1"Come, let us return to the LORD
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
2"He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
3"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."
Still Grieving
Today (4/14/08) marks five weeks since we buried Raquel Elise's body. By talking to different friends, I have been able to recall many things that G-d has shown me and ways in which He's helped me since that heartbreaking day. Honestly wish I could write that I remained on that mountain top experience (Gary's written quite a bit about the amazing love G-d poured out on us throughout the pregnancy and ten days following her birth) but it wouldn't be very truthful. Grieving her death has been excruciatingly painful. I'm convinced (praying) the worst is past. My heart remains broken but thankfully it isn't filled with bitterness nor is it buried with my little girl's body. But, the temptation to give up has been very strong.
Thankfully, I directed my anger at G-d so there aren't a lot of wounded people walking around. He received the full brunt of my emotions and bitterness. Truly grateful for His mercy in that area. He heard and handled my hateful, bewildered and bitter thoughts. It's hard to understand how or why the loving, good, gentle Abba that I serve allowed this painful event to take place. We believed He would miraculously heal her or give us the grace necessary to help our sick, little girl.
Whenever I was reminded that He was "good" I wanted (wait, maybe I did) to scream -" GOOD, what does that even mean? How is this loving or good? How can I pray, again? How can I trust you"? That quickly turned into, "I won't trust and I don't believe and I'm finished walking with You". For several weeks, I really wanted to rescind my commitment to serve Him. Of course, that was quickly followed by shame for being a weak and faithless servant. Oh, how my unbelieving words and thoughts pained me but I couldn’t do anything about them. I felt really alone and bereft because all I got from G-d was silence.
Gary invited us to travel with him to Florida the second week after her death. This was a good decision for so many reasons. Right before we went to Florida, a dear sister called and patiently listened as I spewed all my hurt and gave full vent to my frustrations. She offered wise words but I couldn't receive them at the time. She was gracious despite that and not only recommended but let me borrow a book called "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. I brought it with me and was determined to read it on the drive down. It was a soothing ointment to my battle weary soul. This author is one I respect and recommend to others. As I read his anguish and tormenting thoughts, I was so encouraged. He was very angry with G-d when his wife, Helen Joy Gresham, died. I remember laughing when I read the line about G-d being a tyrannical imbecile (in his mad ranting) for giving Beethoven such an amazing gift and then letting him go deaf. I could so relate to everything he wrote until the part where he made nice with G-d. Then I tossed the book aside because I wasn't ready.
While in Florida, I wrote an e-mail message to a special sister living abroad. Here is an excerpt from that message:
One thing struck me as I read about God and His goodness. As a human being, I can't comprehend what God's goodness truly is. My view is limited and therefore so skewed. It's part of what was tripping me up.
As a kid, young woman and really most of my life, I knew that suffering was promised. Somehow, I lost that focus in my recent years. These waves have knocked me down and I find I really don't know anything. I learned that prayer, even made in faith, by faithful believers doesn't change God's sovereign will. So now I realize I don't even know what or how to pray. All I know is that He is breaking me to bits and isn't done. Every day I remind myself to put myself (and my heart) to death. Perhaps when I have no more of me left, peace and understanding will follow. For now I endure comments made by a few people who love me but don't understand what I feel. I've even been reminded that Raquel wasn't mine. True, yes, but it WAS my body that she grew in and my mother's heart that was crushed when she died. It was my body that ached and produced a milk that would never be needed. Then dilated to 6 cm and was effaced before being cut again in an emergency C-Section. And, it's my arms that are empty.
It was God who allowed me to get pregnant when there was no progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. It was He who fearfully and wonderfully knit Raquel in my womb. (My OB told me recently that her condition was a freak of nature and would never happen again in a million years, yeah right! If it so pleases Him, He'll allow it again.) It was He who allowed her lungs not to form and for her to be born so early, suffer, and die. It was also He who chose not to heal her here on earth. Is He good? Yes. Was she His child? Yes. Can I understand any of this? Most emphatically, NO!!!! Does everyone I know get to enjoy this special favor from God? No. I guess I am just special to Him. I suppose so little of Messiah is reflected in me that He needs to truly crush and tear down.
Am I glad she is no longer hurting? Of course. Am I glad she will never weep or go hungry or be confused or willfully sin? Yes but my heart is broken. Are my (excuse me, God's) children hurt? Yes, they are. Nathaniel told me that until the day he dies, he will be angry with God for taking his precious Raquel home. He and Sophia both prayed God would give us a baby. Are they scared to pray now? Yes! I refuse to give them trite answers but I hope God helps them better understand who He is.
This dear woman called me not long after receiving this message and shared my pain. She, too, encouraged me greatly. She made a comment I can only foggily recall about G-d using broken vessels to pour Himself out of that kind of stuck with me. She told me write all my thoughts and feelings down. What surprised me was that she wasn't shocked or put off by my e-message but said it was "normal" to be angry and to give myself some grace. After talking with her, I finished reading the book. My heart felt lighter than it had for a long time. Looking back I realize that G-d was pouring Himself out to me because He is diligently at work to help me heal. He heard my despair and hurt and wanted to comfort me as only He can. By the time we returned from Florida some of the heaviness that had consumed me was gone. I was able to enjoy (yes, enjoy) my time with the family. I loved walking on the beach and hearing the roar of the ocean beside me. The last 24 hours while there and on our way home were good. The short break from weeping and hardening my heart was a tremendous blessing.
It didn't take much for me to fall to pieces again. Friday morning, I had planned on shopping for a dress to wear to a formal event Gary was invited to attend on Saturday night. Shopping was parked and I felt like a whirlwind trying to create order in my house instead. So much sadness and anger poured forth again as I saw how disorderly our home and lives had become. The next question I hurled at G-d was, "why didn't you take me, too"? Living through that kind of pain is intense and difficult. It simply would be so much easier to go home to heaven and be with Him and Raquel Elise and the first baby (this one died shortly after conception) I'd lost ten years earlier. Why live on earth when there was so much to gain in heaven?
TURNING POINT
Gary tried consoling and comforting me but wasn't making much headway. Instead of peace between us, we ended up at odds with each other. He took the children to Shabbat service the morning of the formal event. I sent a wonderful sister in the Lord an e-mail message declining a dinner invite and then went to get in the shower. A little voice in my head reminded me to get my cell phone so I did. When I picked it up, I saw two things - the silent mode was on and it was ringing. I answered the call and it was the friend I'd just e-mailed. I told her I'd just sent her a message and she asked if I wanted to hang up instead of talking. Her call was perfectly timed. She gave me the opportunity to be transparent. She listened to everything and then asked if she could pray for me. Up to that point in time, I couldn't even stand to hear Gary praying for me. It hurt to even think about asking G-d for anything since He'd denied me the one gift I so desperately wanted. Reluctantly, I agreed. Her words were sweet but direct and they were powerfully answered. She prayed against all the lies I was believing, asked G-d to help me, she even asked Him for a dress I could wear that night. After she prayed, I felt better and was able to pull myself together so I could leave the house. I scheduled a hair cut appointment because of the gala that night. Typically, I don't like doing anything like that on Shabbat.
Gary borrowed my car that morning so I drove his to the shop. Somehow I managed to arrive almost an hour early and needed to find something to do. I tried calling several family members back in Arizona but the lines were busy. Then I looked for a CD I could enjoy. Decided to listen to an older Paul Wilbur CD I love. Couldn't tell you which one it was but it had some songs that praised and worshipped Adonai so beautifully. It's embarrassing to even admit this but I thought, o.k. G-d, I don't feel like praising you with my lips but I will out of obedience. Praises did come but not without a little struggle. After a bit I noticed it had begun raining and a thought struck me as I looked at the clock. It was about the time Raquel 's life had started ebbing away. I said (or thought), it's like You are weeping with me, Lord. Then I remembered it had rained every Sabbath since Raquel died. In fact, the first weekend there were tornadoes that struck Georgia starting the night before. The following day one headed straight through our area. Could it really be that the G-d of the universe was showing me that He remembered my sorrow and felt it, too? The moment I made the connection, it stopped raining and didn't pick back up until later that evening. Coincidence? Maybe…
After my salon experience, I decided to try and find a gown. I offered a quick prayer and decided that if G-d wanted me to attend the dinner with Gary, He'd have to find one for me. Amazingly enough, He did. Not only that but in the last possible moment, He helped me find shoes to match. I ran out of the store and headed for Dillard's because I'd parked outside of this department store. Much to my surprise and shock, I saw a couple that looked very familiar sitting right in the middle of the store. After a double take, I realized it was Sheila and Phil. Sheila came over to hug and kiss me. She asked if I was holding a dress for that evening and I joyfully said "yes". Sheila is the dear sister that prayed for me earlier that morning. Running into the lady that prayed all these wonderful things for me was uncanny. The silence I'd so tangibly felt from G-d was over. He WAS reaching out to me and meeting my needs and even some silly desires.
The next morning I gathered ALL Raquel's belongings sent home from the hospital and I put them away. As I held, caressed, kissed and smelled each item, I remembered every time they'd been on Raquel's body or near her. Weeping was filled with a sweet sorrow but not clouded by anger or bitterness. That was new to me and it felt so much better than what I'd previously experienced. I even worked on the birth and death announcements for awhile that afternoon. Healing had truly begun in earnest. Praise the Lord. Coincidently, I checked Raquel's blog and this is the Scripture that was on it, “He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.” (Isaiah 53:3-4)),
One thing I'm learning experientially but haven't fully worked out is this, G-d IS good but not like I define it. To me it means the absence of pain and receiving things I enjoy or want to take place. I learned that good means so much more. G-d's goodness includes instructing me in holiness and not just in making me comfortable. His goodness involves pain at times and not just happy moments. He is molding me into the image of Messiah and forming my character into something far different from whom I am now. Isaiah 55 comes to mind once again (bolding added below by me).
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."
Abba prepared me for this season of grief by giving me His word beforehand. I've been going over this particular Scripture since December. I've noticed the rain and snow He's brought Georgia but I missed the nugget about His ways being higher than my ways. He told me in advance that I wouldn't understand His eternal perspective and the work He is doing in my family. Why? He loves me despite my frailty, and my fickle heart. He continually comforts and patiently instructs me.
Running the Peachtree Race
While at the hospital and standing around Raquel, I told a group of friends how strong and great I felt so soon after my C-Section. I mentioned that I felt I could do anything and was ready to serve G-d in any way He wanted (but I won't elaborate on what I offered Him). Having survived everything with His help, I was convinced there truly wasn't anything beyond my ability to accomplish with Him, if He wanted me to. I also (probably foolishly) proclaimed that if Raquel was healed I would run the Peachtree Race this year. If I did, it would be the first time ever for me. Kristi S. quickly said she would run it with me.
Humanly speaking, Raquel died and wasn't healed. Yet in light of eternity, she is now enjoying life with G-d the Father and Yeshua His son and all the saints who have gone on before her forever. We are the ones who haven't entered into our eternal rest and destinies nor received our reward. She has.
I decided to honor my rash statement and am going to run this race. Several others volunteered to join me along with Kristi and Gary. If you are interested in running this with us, please let me know. I'm either going to get t-shirts or buttons with her picture made for our group. This will be a blessed time for all of us.
Training is going well so far, amazingly enough. We are all enjoying our walking/jogging routine that we are faithfully doing. Please keep in mind that I haven't done anything physical like this since before my kids were born over eight years ago. The benefits of physical exertion are so great. I have an outlet for the frustration and anger I still feel at times over Raquel's short life. I'm also feeling stronger physically despite this tramatic event. Praise G-d for His strength and protection over us. Can't wait to post pictures of us actually finishing this race at least!
Raquel Remembrances
This week gave me several opportunities to remember some special things about Raquel that I don't ever want to forget. The memories are finally but just barely starting to come without the deluge of tears and anger that clouded them so much before.
When she was just a few weeks in my womb, I know I felt her inside me. When I told my OB, he laughed and said it was probably just gas or a BM moment. Yet even now, I am sure she was making her presence known.
Later in the pregnancy she moved around quite a bit. In fact, way more than my first two children ever did. It was such a reassuring and sweet thing, too. She didn't like her ultrasounds. Whenever we went in and they began the US scans, she would stay very still and wouldn't move at all, if she could help it. There were times when we really needed to see something around her and she would lay very motionless, even when I turned or did the normal things that made her move around. Some nights, she would start jumping around when she heard her siblings playing with their daddy. It always made me rejoice and hope. Her favorite place to visit was our synagogue. Whenever we pulled into the gates of the property, she would begin to shift and kick and play. This would last all night sometimes. Definitely knew she loved being in God's presence, even then. The last two weeks of her life in utero, I would place my hands on both sides of my womb and softly jiggle it. She would wait a few seconds and then she'd wiggle right back at me. It's a game I won't soon forget. I even remarked to the perinatal specialist that she was so responsive for such a little being who hadn't even been born.
When she was born her specialists put her on a paralytic medication that kept her immobile. That was difficult for all of us, I'm sure. After some days, they took her off of the med but it took over 48 hours for her to attempt any movement. I waited quite impatiently for any sign she could move and hoped, beyond hope she would open her little eyes so I could see her.
Finally, she began tiny movements of her toes and fingers. I still clearly remember when she opened her eyes and looked at me. I moved to her side and her sweet, and dark gaze followed me. Amber B. and some others were there but I can't remember who they were right now. I was mesmerized and wept at this gift. I was blessed to see her look at me several times over a few days. Her eyes were so full of love and light. They looked so moist and deep, like they held some sweet secret. I know she wanted us to feel how much she loved us and have it carry us until we met again in heaven.
One day/night she and I played a little game. If she moved any muscle or body part, I promised her I would kiss it. She liked this a lot. I must have kissed her for at least an hour as every time I stopped, she would move again. She loved being kissed and touched. She also liked the "Little Piggy" game. We kept playing and she kept moving toes and feet. The kids got to play this with her that day and then a few times the day of her death.
It also blessed me to give her some of my milk using a hospital cotton swab. At first, I just dabbed it on the inside of her mouth and nothing really happened but after a few times, I got to see her tongue reach out to receive it. Her little mouth was so precious to me.
Another moment I recalled was when I read to her from the first couple of chapters in the gospel of Luke. While I read her the story of the Messiah's conception and birth, I was holding her hand. When one hand got tired of holding the Bible and turning the pages, I tried to let go of her hand but quickly realized, she was holding mine. When I tried to extricate myself, she wouldn't let go. It wasn't a tight and strong grip as she was sick and weak but a tender grasp that let me know, she was holding on and didn't want to let go. Oh how I wish, I had not let go!
Her last day with us, I was blessed to hold her for the first time. I think that from 10:00 a.m. or so until 2:40 p.m., I got the privilege of cradling my baby and I am convinced she fought for that moment. If she hadn't been switched from the oscillating ventilator to the normal ventilator, this wouldn't have taken place. Her lungs needed to improve enough for that switch to happen.
When I first had her in my arms her body felt tense and rigid but then it just melted into mine. Everything relaxed and was at peace. My spirit KNOWS she was at peace and wanted to be with me and the family. I experienced a problem at the hospital that affected my voice and even now can't sing like I normally can but even with my cracking and horrible sounding voice, I sang to my child any song that came to mind. Sophia and Gary were at the hospital with me and they touched and caressed her the entire time. I noticed her vitals were better than they'd ever been and she was holding strong. It dawned on me that she was waiting for Nathaniel. In utero she had always responded to his voice and she was now waiting to say goodbye to him, too. Sure enough, after he arrived, he began playing with her feet and couldn't touch her enough, but her strength slowly but surely began ebbing away. I can still remember his delight when he touched her toes and realized how soft they were. She also waited long enough for us to get her hand and foot prints so a bronze could be made of them. Gary was holding her during that special moment and she did open her eyes and look directly into his after he sang two beautiful blessings over her. When we switched off, I told her that no mother could be prouder of their child than I was of her. I also gave her permission to go back to God. You see, as much as I loved and wanted her with me, I couldn't bear the suffering she was enduring. Even now, it pains me so that she turned blue and that nothing could be done for the pulmonary hypertension. I know her caregivers tried everything humanly possible to help her heal but that wasn't G-d's plan for her on earth.
Miracles do happen and although the one I wanted didn't materialize, I know I witnessed amazing things taking place even with Raquel and her attempts to know and be known to us. She was/is a special child that taught me so much about strength and fearlessness. G-d has through her imparted so much strength and courage. My own heart received great healing through all of this. No, I'm not even remotely suggesting that I'm healed from the pain and grief I feel over her death. What I am saying is that through this situation I've had to face ALL my fears and found that through G-d's grace and love, I can still turn to Him and even more so now.
I'm so grateful G-d chose Gary and me to be her parents. Her life amazes me and getting to share her with her heavenly Father is a gift I wouldn't trade even for one second. I would take all the pain again, for a brief moment of glorious love and joy with her. Even as I write this I cringe (yes, tears have been flowing while I wrote all of the above) knowing full well what that would entail but I'm honored to get to be a part of her life eternally. I feel that because of her short life, I've learned so much about life and my walk with G-d. I will write more on some of those topics soon.
Praying for a glimpse into God's plan
Today marks twenty days since Raquel went home to be with the Lord. At times it seems as if it all happened yesterday and at other times it feels like its been months.
While the Lord has shown us many things through this trial, there is still one question not completely answered. Why?
Why, Lord, did you select Terry and I to carry this burden? The enemy is here telling us its because our flesh is so evil in your sight that you need to crush us continuously in order to sanctify us.
While I know our flesh is corrupt and evil, I don't believe for a minute that this is a punishment. I am convinced you selected us because you knew how we would respond.
Was the sole purpose of this trial to grow our faith, to bring our body of believers closer together, to test us? Is this just me trying to reconcile how a mighty and loving God would let all of this happen? Is this all there is Lord? I can't accept that! Not because I need to believe in something bigger to cope but because this whole thing was about YOU, not about us.
I have felt for several weeks that Raquel's conception, disease, life and death are part of a much larger plan. Picture what happens when you toss a rock into a very still pond and the rings that project outward from the center. I see this event in time as that rock being tossed into the pond. The rings are lives being touched and changed.
I suspect there are thousands upon thousands of ponds being disrupted by you at this time all over the world. Why, Lord, are you disturbing these ponds of peace and stillness? What are you planning that has the enemy so upset that he is attacking us like never before?
We are weary, Lord. Please give us a peek into your overall plan so we can be encouraged.
Letting go....
Today is Sunday, March 23, 2008. If all had gone as planned, Raquel would be two days old (C-Section was scheduled for March 21, 2008), instead it's a little over two weeks since she went home to be with the Lord.
It's so hard for my (Terry) mind to grasp that G-d wanted her home with Him. The Scriptures He'd laid on my heart throughout the pregnancy and even during her short life, led me to believe He was either going to heal her (which He did, not like I'd anticipated of course) on earth or else He was going to give us the grace and strength we needed to walk through this illness with her. I never allowed myself to imagine the ultimate earthly parting. Just finished watching the video again and at times, it seems like it never happened or else like it's still taking place. The pain hasn't subsided.
The intensity of those days couldn't possibly continue. By the time she died, we were all worn out physically and emotionally. We had poured all of our love, faith, prayers and hope out to the Lord and I think we all knew something was going to change soon. As I look back on it all, I wish we were still in the thick of it. Not that I could or would have done anything differently. It's just because I desire more time with Raquel. If I'd known she was going to die, I don't think anything would have kept me away from her bedside!
Sophia and I went to a plant nursery not far from where we live this afternoon. We purchased a cherry tree which will bloom in the fall sometime. Trying to decide where to plant it in our yard took more out of me emotionally than I could handle. We are going to plant a little memorial garden in her honor. I hope it serves as a reminder of her short life and our deep, abiding love for her. Isaiah 55 offers the following promises:
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."
It snowed at least four or so times in Georgia from the day G-d put that Bible chapter on my heart until the very day He took her home. It even snowed in Jerusalem once. My hope was that every time I reminded the Lord of this passage, He'd provide the amniotic fluid supernaturally that Raquel's lungs needed to survive. Georgia got to share in this gift as it began raining and snowing in this state that desperately needed watering. The night before she died it poured and the next morning, it snowed. I couldn't believe it was snowing in Georgia in March. Yet the day of her burial it was sunny and cool. Beautiful weather as we laid her body to rest and we celebrated her short life and the believers who POURED G-d's love on us.
Abba, please pour your water on this little garden we are creating in our yard and in our lives so that we will always be fruitful for your kingdom. May your word never fall on deaf ears or hardened hearts. May we remain pliable and malleable in Your hands. Amen.
Its all the Lord
Terry and I are grateful for all the wonderful words of encouragement and praise we have been getting from our friends and family.
Many have said that we (Terry and I ) have been such a testimony to them because of how we handled this whole situation. Please note that if you see anything good its the Messiah you see. All we have done is submit in obedience and accept the love of the Lord.
The supernatural peace, the strength, the "faith" you see is the Messiah shining through because of your prayers.
We are eternally grateful for those prayers and please keep praying. God Bless!
2 Cor 1:5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.
End of post
Wisdom from the Lord
Below is an e-mail thread between Terry and a friend from a nutrition board. I am posting this because of the wisdom of the responses. Please read from the bottom up similar to the Blog. This thread outlines the emotions and struggles Terry has been working through.
Sharon wrote:
Oh, I am so relieved I could slide right off my chair and spend the rest of the night face down giving thanks for His mercy and lovingkindness...............
You may do whatever you wish with our letters, Terry, for they truly were of Him and I am so, so thankful and giving praise for your heart and love for Him.............
Oh, I'm so thrilled I have to run and tell Mark.....oh, I am so relieved and I can feel the burden lifted......I've not felt it lifted since this began......surely goodness and mercy shall follow us......
God Bless You, Terry.....and God Bless your darling husband and family.....please give them all our love.
Oh, I was telling Mark about this while doing dishes. He had viewed Raquel's website the other night and come into our room, tears flowing down his face, weeping. I've not seen him weep like that in years......but I was telling him of our letters and how it also was ministering to me and how amazed I was at what I was learning of the Lord and he said something like, "Oh, I'm so happy the Lord could use your gifts." And I shot back, "But He used a jackass." He belly-laughed and said, "Oh, why did I know you would say that..." ;)
Amen for that sense of fear that you had....again, more evidence of His protection for He is a jealous Father......
Love,
Sharon
On Thu, Mar 20, 2008 at 7:53 PM, Terry D wrote:
Sharon,
God bless you! Your love, words, TRUTH shared ministered to a deep place in my soul and spirit. You shed light on places I didn't understand and helped me tremendously.
I read the messages to Gary and he was so exccited. He wants with your permission and mine (not ready yet) to post these. He was in awe of you and your depth and your ability to concisely communicate deep truth and knowledge. He was literally praising God as I read through each message and had tears flowing freely down his precious face. He'd tried to tell me the same things but wasn't able to put it out as well. He keeps thanking G-d for the women in my life. I'm right there with Him.
We need to write something on Raquel's blog about suffering and it's purpose in our lives.
I actually rejoiced for the first time in days, maybe weeks, that my weakness and shortcomings right now have allowed me to truly appreciate the ONE who helped us walk in victory throughout everything else. Not that I'd doubted that at all but it drove the point home, painfully. Whenever anyone offered praises, it struck fear in my heart. I know exactly who I am without Him - NOTHING So now I am more at peace. I'm not comfortable in the limelight and that was part of what was bothering me.
Please receive my utmost and heartfelt gratitude. May He bless you with crowns in heaven.
Love,
Terry
Sharon wrote:
EXACTLY!!! Alleluia, He is protecting you. He said He would never leave us and He is there, but it turns out that when we 'see' the ways in which He is there, it is always very different than what our weak flesh would have willed.....
I would never want you to experience Him in this way, but He alone knows what is best. It is a different walk with Him right now, a suffering servant walking with Her Lord and Master but He is there, carrying you, carrying the burden, praying for you when you are drowning in silence that feels so overwhelming. I know this part of the persevering........and it is not, not, not anything I would have wanted you to know - to have had personal knowledge of how it feels and what it does......but that is my sinful, selfish, protector part that has no business playing god......
I continually find myself sinning saying, "Lord, please, spare her from this......", as if I have knowledge of His ways, sinful creature that I am.............
It is part of our sharing in His suffering of this world when we suffer as He suffered.....
......it is a part of our walk with Him because Sin entered the world. Let us never, ever forget it is not of His hand, but the evil one who would want us to forget what is Important.........
Gen 50;20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.
2 Cor 1:5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.
2 Tim 2:3 Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 3:14 But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED,
And if He sent Raquel, just to show you this portion of how dear you are to Him that he would have you intimately know His suffering, then it is even more worthy of praise...........
For He is not intending you harm............
Do not rumble with Him, dearest..........for that isn't His intent for you to fight him, but instead, to grow further in the grace and knowledge of Him.........
What Can I Say?
Job 40: 1 Then the LORD said to Job,
2 "Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
Let him who reproves God answer it."
3 Then Job answered the LORD and said,
4 "Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
5 "Once I have spoken, and I will not answer;
Even twice, and I will add nothing more."
God Questions Job
6 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm and said,
7 "Now gird up your loins like a man;
I will ask you, and you instruct Me.
8 "Will you really annul My judgment?
Will you condemn Me that you may be justified?
Love,
Sharon
Sharon Wrote:
Amen!!! Let them be the only words on your lips.......I pray for Gary to protect you as our Savior is......
Go to the wilderness with your family and sing His praises.......
Let the children know He is doing a mighty work...............
1Chron 16:25 For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; He also is to be feared above all gods.
Love,
Sharon
On Thu, Mar 20, 2008 at 5:09 PM, Terry D wrote:
p.s. I printed this so I can recite these Scriptures and make them my thoughts!
Terry wrote:
Bless you, Sharon E for pouring truth into my soul, for understanding the emptiness and void, the anger and for helping me understand what is taking place inside and around me. I think you are the first and only person to point out the Lord’s protection over me through my numbness/anger and emptiness.
There is a battle going on in my soul right now and it will determine many things. Pray for victory. Please.
Love,
Terry
p.s. Hallmark could never come close to choosing transparent and real words to describe our hearts. I think they are the ones who write the smarmy sayings on church billboards and signs.
Sharon wrote:
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 1 Thess 4:13
Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hopein God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psa 43:5
....a time to mourn and a time to dance... Eccl 3:1-4
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Psalm 30:11-12
You'd said, "When I read about what God has done through us, it all seems so empty to me."
Amen. As it should. Do not take that the emptiness as having meaning that YOU are falling apart. I see that emptiness as the Lord protecting you from being puffed up and vain. Better you should feel empty about this lest you are tempted to somehow think YOU have done something.
May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, an I to the world. Gal 6:14
Let him who boasts boast in the Lord. 2 Cor 10:17
Do not look inward. You will find nothing there, Terry. The Word tells us over and over our hearts and minds are corrupt, defiled and filthy but that it is His wisdom in which we should rejoice and it is His works that we should give thanks and praise. Even in this, He is protecting you, showering His grace and mercy over you. Fear the day, dear heart, that you would ever hear self-praise or receive messages of "good works" as if they have anything to do with you - or have feelings of accomplishment because that would be coming from the flesh....
May the Lord cut off all flattering lips and every boastful tongue that says, "We will triumph with our tongues; we own our lips - who is our master?" Psalm 12:3
This is not about us. This is all about Him. His will be done.........and that is something that I know will spark a fire in your heart..........
You had Hope while Raquel yet lived. Every breath she took, you had Hope that it meant something - that it meant God would do His miracle, or that God would Bless, or that God would Show Them Those Unbelievers. Was that sin? No. But there was a goal....a connectedness to Him that was extremely powerful and energizing. I know the "feelings", the adrenaline of Going To Battle, but after every battle, there is a calm, a lull, and a worn-out, weary warrior.........
There was Victory, but right now, rest will restore your soul. Accept the rest and the nothingness that you feel. Accept the anger which is the flesh lashing out at the empty void. But rest in Him.........
Humbly and with Trembling (because you know, Hallmark just didn't say what I wanted to say....)
Sharon
Terry wrote:
Sharon,
Thank you. I really do know that she was healed but my selfish heart, yes my selfish heart, was shocked to let her go. It really is all the other, peripheral things that are knocking me down right now. The very fact that they don’t let up not even for a moment, leaves me feeling overwhelmed and angry. My daughter is with HIM. She will never go hungry or be sad, confused, alone or lost. That is so beautiful to me. The fact that she won’t ever again suffer, comforts me tremendously. The fact I’m not there with her is agonizing. I was blessed to have a child who will never knowingly sin or rebel against her Maker. Helps me greatly. It’s the living here on earth that is unbearable for me right now.
Yesterday, my son asked me if God would give us another child even if we didn’t pray for one. I asked him if he would be willing to go through the pain of another sick baby or even their death, if God so chose. He said, “yes.” His faith and confidence blew me away. I’m sitting here afraid of ever having to go through that circumstance again and my son is hoping God will smile on us again and give us another baby. Oy veh!
I love you and know in my spirit you are right. It’s my flesh who is rebelling and angry. It’s just one more reminder how far short I fall and how little I resemble my Lord and Savior.
Terry
On Thu, Mar 20, 2008 at 12:51 PM, Terry D wrote:
Dear Sharon,
You so clearly identify with my heart and ache. While I didn't do the traditional "shiva" externally, my heart did. Shiva means 7. Please get up. I can't impart any wise words or comfort as I have none to offer. But, it's time for you to "get up."
Sharon wrote:
Dearest Terry,
I am now up. Still weeping......bowed down......bearing your burden......I want to take it on..... I wish I could take it all from you...........
The only thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that Raquel has been healed. And I know beyond a doubt that it is the type of healing that is the only healing that matters. I've speculated in my own mind - done all the "What If" she had lived but oh, the suffering that was ahead of her. The operations and procedures when in reality, it would have result in probably the same result. Her death. But your goal for her would not have changed. Because I know your goal these past months, would have remained the same goal over the next however many years. It would always have been the goal that she would come to know and Lord Her Savior so that she might have the gift of eternal life and bring honor and praise to His name, glorifying Him.
She has done that. She has persevered. She has won the race.
And for that, we can rejoice.
I've erased far more than the contents of this letter - clumsily writing scenarios about What Ifs, and stories of how I pleaded with Him to "spare her".....
But spare her from.......what?
Spare her from being with Him, to live a life here of suffering?
Our lives are but a blink of a star. You will all be together before you even know it and you will have eternity............
If we truly know Him as Lord and Savior, this life is a life about suffering. This life in Him is upside-down from the world's wisdom which says that as we go through life, we should be blessed, happy, at rest, at peace. But we are not the world's, but His and He has told us that we are born for trouble as surely as sparks fly upward. Peter expressed amazement that people were so surprised by the fiery trials.
Jesus wept.
We weep.
He was merciful to Raquel, because His name is mercy.
His purpose is never our purpose.
But truly, she is healed. Breathe that in to your spirit. She is healed. Raise your hands and give Him praise, for she IS healed. Give him thanks that in his infinite mercy and wisdom that is beyond our understanding, beyond the pain, beyond the anger, we are the ones to be mourned.....
This is the eternal perspective which is the only one that matters............
She lives.
Love,
Sharon
Terry D wrote 3/20/2008
Dear Sharon,
You so clearly identify with my heart and ache. While I didn’t do the traditional “shiva” externally, my heart did. Shiva means 7. Please get up. I can’t impart any wise words or comfort as I have none to offer. But, it’s time for you to “get up.”
Just yesterday I read through Gary’s blog for the first time. Couldn’t bring myself to do it beforehand, nor can I muster the Godly strength to pour my heart out for all to read either. Honestly, I’m embroiled in too much pain, loss, anger to write anything edifying anyway.
I wish I was truly worthy of the comments people are making about me. Lately, I feel (I know we aren't supposed to go by our feelings) like I'm falling apart, internally. I have such anger towards Abba, and others. When I read about what God has done through us, it all seems so empty to me. Whatever strength and grace I had during the pregnancy, birth, 10 days, burial and memorial I feel has left me. I'm just weary, tired and it seems as nothing can change that. Believe me, I feebly call out to God but all I hear his silence. Can't keep the eternal perspective in my mind.
Want to lash out at those who wounded and disappointed me because of their weaknesses, frailties, instead of finding a way to forgive like I have done before. Can't believe the amount of pain God purposefully allowed me to endure and continues to do so. I'm sick, again, third time in three weeks. This time it's a sinus infection, I believe.
Sharon, there is such bitterness of heart, I can't see straight. People tell me anger is part of the grieving process but honestly I don't know.
I could go on and on but suffice it to say, I NEVER once doubted that God would heal my daughter on earth or else give us the strength we needed to walk through this horrible illness with her. That suffering I was prepared for but having her go home to heaven was not.
Please know how much I appreciate your sensitivity and love.
Terry
From: Sharon E
Sent: Wednesday, March 19, 2008 11:11 PM
To: Terry D
Subject: Re: FW: Updated Raquel Web Blog
What I mean is, tell me to "get up".
Sharon
On Wed, Mar 19, 2008 at 11:10 PM, Sharon E wrote:
Terry....
I am holding Shiva...........my own Christian version. I don't think I have done it well, but I have done it. I didn't know I was doing it. I don't know if that makes sense. I was talking with a friend tonight about it....about not being able yet to look at the blog....and about the picture of Raquel I had kept, but couldn't write about. She said I was doing Shiva. I hope that makes sense. So much more to say but I can't. Just know that you are all constantly in my prayer.......
Love,
Sharon
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