Letting go....

Today is Sunday, March 23, 2008. If all had gone as planned, Raquel would be two days old (C-Section was scheduled for March 21, 2008), instead it's a little over two weeks since she went home to be with the Lord.

It's so hard for my (Terry) mind to grasp that G-d wanted her home with Him. The Scriptures He'd laid on my heart throughout the pregnancy and even during her short life, led me to believe He was either going to heal her (which He did, not like I'd anticipated of course) on earth or else He was going to give us the grace and strength we needed to walk through this illness with her. I never allowed myself to imagine the ultimate earthly parting. Just finished watching the video again and at times, it seems like it never happened or else like it's still taking place. The pain hasn't subsided.


The intensity of those days couldn't possibly continue. By the time she died, we were all worn out physically and emotionally. We had poured all of our love, faith, prayers and hope out to the Lord and I think we all knew something was going to change soon. As I look back on it all, I wish we were still in the thick of it. Not that I could or would have done anything differently. It's just because I desire more time with Raquel. If I'd known she was going to die, I don't think anything would have kept me away from her bedside!

Sophia and I went to a plant nursery not far from where we live this afternoon. We purchased a cherry tree which will bloom in the fall sometime. Trying to decide where to plant it in our yard took more out of me emotionally than I could handle. We are going to plant a little memorial garden in her honor. I hope it serves as a reminder of her short life and our deep, abiding love for her. Isaiah 55 offers the following promises:

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed."

It snowed at least four or so times in Georgia from the day G-d put that Bible chapter on my heart until the very day He took her home. It even snowed in Jerusalem once. My hope was that every time I reminded the Lord of this passage, He'd provide the amniotic fluid supernaturally that Raquel's lungs needed to survive. Georgia got to share in this gift as it began raining and snowing in this state that desperately needed watering. The night before she died it poured and the next morning, it snowed. I couldn't believe it was snowing in Georgia in March. Yet the day of her burial it was sunny and cool. Beautiful weather as we laid her body to rest and we celebrated her short life and the believers who POURED G-d's love on us.

Abba, please pour your water on this little garden we are creating in our yard and in our lives so that we will always be fruitful for your kingdom. May your word never fall on deaf ears or hardened hearts. May we remain pliable and malleable in Your hands. Amen.