Why more pain now than before?

Its been almost 3 months since Raquel's passing and the pain is more intense today than ever before. Why?

While we were going through the hospital experience and in the weeks that followed I felt a peace and comfort that only can come from above. As I mention in other posts there was a bubble of supernatural peace over me that I have never experienced before.

Why are there such intense waves of pain now?
Why this heaviness of spirit wondering what my purpose in life is?
Why am I angry at G-d for what he put my family through?
Why now am I wondering whether I measure up in his eyes?

I have been thinking about this a great deal lately. So far the only conclusion I have drawn is that I have taken my eyes off the eternal and placed them on the temporal. Instead of focusing only on the eternal truths of the Bible I am looking at life through the lenses of my circumstances.

I am hungry to be in the L-rd's presence like I was at the hospital. When I am not in that place I feel like my life is a complete waste of time and meaningless. Nothing compares to being in his presence.

I can only imagine what Messiah must have felt while hanging on the tree and he felt the L-rd's presence leave him. He must have felt such an intense void of love and protection. To live outside the L-rd's presence and intense love is to live lost, naked and without hope.

I have placed my eyes upon my (me) circumstances, failures, purpose, direction, finances, health etc. I have taken my eyes off the L-rd and because of it have fallen away from the very thing I so desperately desire.

Help me Abba. Help me to be in your presence, in the holy of holies, at all times. Help me to dwell in the shadow if your wings and to walk in victory while in the midst of the sin around me. I am so desperately lost without you Daddy. Restore the Shalom and help me to walk in your precepts and not by my sight.