Through the Fire

Most of you visiting this site know that we miscarried a precious baby last week. Yes, we were are shocked by this loss. We are making progress but it is quite slow.

This summer we learned that we were expecting another baby. It was a huge surprise and blessing. Don't get me wrong, I had to fight against lots of fears that wanted to rise up and control my thoughts and life but we did. I woke up every day giving thanks for that day of life for our little one. Honestly, though, I believed this pregnancy was going to be easy and sweet because last time was so excruciating. After all, we weren't trying to get pregnant, my hormonal issues should have prevented a pregnancy, so we counted on Him making this time around different from last. It was different but still painful.

After meeting with several different doctors in our new home town, we picked one where we felt comfortable (as comfortable as I am able to be in a doctor's office). All three doctors were outstanding, it was the office staff that made the difference. We love the new place and it's a good thing since we've had lots of office visits already.

Light spotting clued me in to the fact that something might be wrong. It eventually led to a full miscarriage including contractions and all. In a weird way, I'm glad for that because it gives me an official miscarriage date. No, I didn't appreciate them while they were happening.

Last week, we mourned and grieved with such heaviness I felt like I could barely breathe. My children were crushed. When they first learned of this baby, one danced and the other cried. They were so excited a baby was finally going to be ours. It broke my heart further that they had to endure this loss right alongside us, again. Our extended family and our friends struggled with this as well.

We received a huge outpouring of love from all but the pain drowned so much of it out. The questions overwhelmed each of us. Why? Why? No answers from the Lord. No hints. No clue.

I got lots of notes, Scriptures, encouraging words but no satisfactory answers. This weekend, though, I got an e-mail from a longtime friend. She ended with a Scripture from Hebrews 5:8, "Yet he learned obedience through the things which he suffered." That Scripture was one I kept reciting during my first miscarriage 12 years ago. It simultaneously hurt and calmed me when I read her words. Another dear friend told me the Scripture that came to mind when she prayed for us was "we are all counted as sheep to be slaughtered." That was from Romans 8. That was what I was given when I ran into problems early on with Raquel. It doesn't make any sense in this realm but it helped me remember that this isn't my home. My family and I are being prepared for our heavenly home sometime in the future. It is a painful road. He never promised our lives with Him would be easy. He never said He wouldn't give us more than we could handle (no, it's not in the Bible but you are welcome to look - He said He wouldn't allow us to be tempted beyond what we could endure).

So, after seeing my response last week, I realize how far from the mark I am. I'm still bucking when I don't get my way or my desires. I'm nowhere near crucifying my flesh in order to live for Messiah but I am on the right road. G-d's love isn't a mushy feeling that makes us better. At least that's not my experience. He sent His son to die for us because He loved us. Yeshua willingly laid down His life because He loved us. That kind of love is what He is pouring out to each of us. The questions is this, are we willing to continue yielding to it no matter what it costs?