Raquel Remembrances

This week gave me several opportunities to remember some special things about Raquel that I don't ever want to forget. The memories are finally but just barely starting to come without the deluge of tears and anger that clouded them so much before.

When she was just a few weeks in my womb, I know I felt her inside me. When I told my OB, he laughed and said it was probably just gas or a BM moment. Yet even now, I am sure she was making her presence known.

Later in the pregnancy she moved around quite a bit. In fact, way more than my first two children ever did. It was such a reassuring and sweet thing, too. She didn't like her ultrasounds. Whenever we went in and they began the US scans, she would stay very still and wouldn't move at all, if she could help it. There were times when we really needed to see something around her and she would lay very motionless, even when I turned or did the normal things that made her move around. Some nights, she would start jumping around when she heard her siblings playing with their daddy. It always made me rejoice and hope. Her favorite place to visit was our synagogue. Whenever we pulled into the gates of the property, she would begin to shift and kick and play. This would last all night sometimes. Definitely knew she loved being in God's presence, even then. The last two weeks of her life in utero, I would place my hands on both sides of my womb and softly jiggle it. She would wait a few seconds and then she'd wiggle right back at me. It's a game I won't soon forget. I even remarked to the perinatal specialist that she was so responsive for such a little being who hadn't even been born.

When she was born her specialists put her on a paralytic medication that kept her immobile. That was difficult for all of us, I'm sure. After some days, they took her off of the med but it took over 48 hours for her to attempt any movement. I waited quite impatiently for any sign she could move and hoped, beyond hope she would open her little eyes so I could see her.

Finally, she began tiny movements of her toes and fingers. I still clearly remember when she opened her eyes and looked at me. I moved to her side and her sweet, and dark gaze followed me. Amber B. and some others were there but I can't remember who they were right now. I was mesmerized and wept at this gift. I was blessed to see her look at me several times over a few days. Her eyes were so full of love and light. They looked so moist and deep, like they held some sweet secret. I know she wanted us to feel how much she loved us and have it carry us until we met again in heaven.

One day/night she and I played a little game. If she moved any muscle or body part, I promised her I would kiss it. She liked this a lot. I must have kissed her for at least an hour as every time I stopped, she would move again. She loved being kissed and touched. She also liked the "Little Piggy" game. We kept playing and she kept moving toes and feet. The kids got to play this with her that day and then a few times the day of her death.

It also blessed me to give her some of my milk using a hospital cotton swab. At first, I just dabbed it on the inside of her mouth and nothing really happened but after a few times, I got to see her tongue reach out to receive it. Her little mouth was so precious to me.

Another moment I recalled was when I read to her from the first couple of chapters in the gospel of Luke. While I read her the story of the Messiah's conception and birth, I was holding her hand. When one hand got tired of holding the Bible and turning the pages, I tried to let go of her hand but quickly realized, she was holding mine. When I tried to extricate myself, she wouldn't let go. It wasn't a tight and strong grip as she was sick and weak but a tender grasp that let me know, she was holding on and didn't want to let go. Oh how I wish, I had not let go!

Her last day with us, I was blessed to hold her for the first time. I think that from 10:00 a.m. or so until 2:40 p.m., I got the privilege of cradling my baby and I am convinced she fought for that moment. If she hadn't been switched from the oscillating ventilator to the normal ventilator, this wouldn't have taken place. Her lungs needed to improve enough for that switch to happen.

When I first had her in my arms her body felt tense and rigid but then it just melted into mine. Everything relaxed and was at peace. My spirit KNOWS she was at peace and wanted to be with me and the family. I experienced a problem at the hospital that affected my voice and even now can't sing like I normally can but even with my cracking and horrible sounding voice, I sang to my child any song that came to mind. Sophia and Gary were at the hospital with me and they touched and caressed her the entire time. I noticed her vitals were better than they'd ever been and she was holding strong. It dawned on me that she was waiting for Nathaniel. In utero she had always responded to his voice and she was now waiting to say goodbye to him, too. Sure enough, after he arrived, he began playing with her feet and couldn't touch her enough, but her strength slowly but surely began ebbing away. I can still remember his delight when he touched her toes and realized how soft they were. She also waited long enough for us to get her hand and foot prints so a bronze could be made of them. Gary was holding her during that special moment and she did open her eyes and look directly into his after he sang two beautiful blessings over her. When we switched off, I told her that no mother could be prouder of their child than I was of her. I also gave her permission to go back to God. You see, as much as I loved and wanted her with me, I couldn't bear the suffering she was enduring. Even now, it pains me so that she turned blue and that nothing could be done for the pulmonary hypertension. I know her caregivers tried everything humanly possible to help her heal but that wasn't G-d's plan for her on earth.

Miracles do happen and although the one I wanted didn't materialize, I know I witnessed amazing things taking place even with Raquel and her attempts to know and be known to us. She was/is a special child that taught me so much about strength and fearlessness. G-d has through her imparted so much strength and courage. My own heart received great healing through all of this. No, I'm not even remotely suggesting that I'm healed from the pain and grief I feel over her death. What I am saying is that through this situation I've had to face ALL my fears and found that through G-d's grace and love, I can still turn to Him and even more so now.

I'm so grateful G-d chose Gary and me to be her parents. Her life amazes me and getting to share her with her heavenly Father is a gift I wouldn't trade even for one second. I would take all the pain again, for a brief moment of glorious love and joy with her. Even as I write this I cringe (yes, tears have been flowing while I wrote all of the above) knowing full well what that would entail but I'm honored to get to be a part of her life eternally. I feel that because of her short life, I've learned so much about life and my walk with G-d. I will write more on some of those topics soon.