Still Grieving

Today (4/14/08) marks five weeks since we buried Raquel Elise's body. By talking to different friends, I have been able to recall many things that G-d has shown me and ways in which He's helped me since that heartbreaking day. Honestly wish I could write that I remained on that mountain top experience (Gary's written quite a bit about the amazing love G-d poured out on us throughout the pregnancy and ten days following her birth) but it wouldn't be very truthful. Grieving her death has been excruciatingly painful. I'm convinced (praying) the worst is past. My heart remains broken but thankfully it isn't filled with bitterness nor is it buried with my little girl's body. But, the temptation to give up has been very strong.

Thankfully, I directed my anger at G-d so there aren't a lot of wounded people walking around. He received the full brunt of my emotions and bitterness. Truly grateful for His mercy in that area. He heard and handled my hateful, bewildered and bitter thoughts. It's hard to understand how or why the loving, good, gentle Abba that I serve allowed this painful event to take place. We believed He would miraculously heal her or give us the grace necessary to help our sick, little girl.

Whenever I was reminded that He was "good" I wanted (wait, maybe I did) to scream -" GOOD, what does that even mean? How is this loving or good? How can I pray, again? How can I trust you"? That quickly turned into, "I won't trust and I don't believe and I'm finished walking with You". For several weeks, I really wanted to rescind my commitment to serve Him. Of course, that was quickly followed by shame for being a weak and faithless servant. Oh, how my unbelieving words and thoughts pained me but I couldn’t do anything about them. I felt really alone and bereft because all I got from G-d was silence.

Gary invited us to travel with him to Florida the second week after her death. This was a good decision for so many reasons. Right before we went to Florida, a dear sister called and patiently listened as I spewed all my hurt and gave full vent to my frustrations. She offered wise words but I couldn't receive them at the time. She was gracious despite that and not only recommended but let me borrow a book called "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. I brought it with me and was determined to read it on the drive down. It was a soothing ointment to my battle weary soul. This author is one I respect and recommend to others. As I read his anguish and tormenting thoughts, I was so encouraged. He was very angry with G-d when his wife, Helen Joy Gresham, died. I remember laughing when I read the line about G-d being a tyrannical imbecile (in his mad ranting) for giving Beethoven such an amazing gift and then letting him go deaf. I could so relate to everything he wrote until the part where he made nice with G-d. Then I tossed the book aside because I wasn't ready.

While in Florida, I wrote an e-mail message to a special sister living abroad. Here is an excerpt from that message:

One thing struck me as I read about God and His goodness. As a human being, I can't comprehend what God's goodness truly is. My view is limited and therefore so skewed. It's part of what was tripping me up.

As a kid, young woman and really most of my life, I knew that suffering was promised. Somehow, I lost that focus in my recent years. These waves have knocked me down and I find I really don't know anything. I learned that prayer, even made in faith, by faithful believers doesn't change God's sovereign will. So now I realize I don't even know what or how to pray. All I know is that He is breaking me to bits and isn't done. Every day I remind myself to put myself (and my heart) to death. Perhaps when I have no more of me left, peace and understanding will follow. For now I endure comments made by a few people who love me but don't understand what I feel. I've even been reminded that Raquel wasn't mine. True, yes, but it WAS my body that she grew in and my mother's heart that was crushed when she died. It was my body that ached and produced a milk that would never be needed. Then dilated to 6 cm and was effaced before being cut again in an emergency C-Section. And, it's my arms that are empty.

It was God who allowed me to get pregnant when there was no progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. It was He who fearfully and wonderfully knit Raquel in my womb. (My OB told me recently that her condition was a freak of nature and would never happen again in a million years, yeah right! If it so pleases Him, He'll allow it again.) It was He who allowed her lungs not to form and for her to be born so early, suffer, and die. It was also He who chose not to heal her here on earth. Is He good? Yes. Was she His child? Yes. Can I understand any of this? Most emphatically, NO!!!! Does everyone I know get to enjoy this special favor from God? No. I guess I am just special to Him. I suppose so little of Messiah is reflected in me that He needs to truly crush and tear down.

Am I glad she is no longer hurting? Of course. Am I glad she will never weep or go hungry or be confused or willfully sin? Yes but my heart is broken. Are my (excuse me, God's) children hurt? Yes, they are. Nathaniel told me that until the day he dies, he will be angry with God for taking his precious Raquel home. He and Sophia both prayed God would give us a baby. Are they scared to pray now? Yes! I refuse to give them trite answers but I hope God helps them better understand who He is.

This dear woman called me not long after receiving this message and shared my pain. She, too, encouraged me greatly. She made a comment I can only foggily recall about G-d using broken vessels to pour Himself out of that kind of stuck with me. She told me write all my thoughts and feelings down. What surprised me was that she wasn't shocked or put off by my e-message but said it was "normal" to be angry and to give myself some grace. After talking with her, I finished reading the book. My heart felt lighter than it had for a long time. Looking back I realize that G-d was pouring Himself out to me because He is diligently at work to help me heal. He heard my despair and hurt and wanted to comfort me as only He can. By the time we returned from Florida some of the heaviness that had consumed me was gone. I was able to enjoy (yes, enjoy) my time with the family. I loved walking on the beach and hearing the roar of the ocean beside me. The last 24 hours while there and on our way home were good. The short break from weeping and hardening my heart was a tremendous blessing.

It didn't take much for me to fall to pieces again. Friday morning, I had planned on shopping for a dress to wear to a formal event Gary was invited to attend on Saturday night. Shopping was parked and I felt like a whirlwind trying to create order in my house instead. So much sadness and anger poured forth again as I saw how disorderly our home and lives had become. The next question I hurled at G-d was, "why didn't you take me, too"? Living through that kind of pain is intense and difficult. It simply would be so much easier to go home to heaven and be with Him and Raquel Elise and the first baby (this one died shortly after conception) I'd lost ten years earlier. Why live on earth when there was so much to gain in heaven?

TURNING POINT

Gary tried consoling and comforting me but wasn't making much headway. Instead of peace between us, we ended up at odds with each other. He took the children to Shabbat service the morning of the formal event. I sent a wonderful sister in the Lord an e-mail message declining a dinner invite and then went to get in the shower. A little voice in my head reminded me to get my cell phone so I did. When I picked it up, I saw two things - the silent mode was on and it was ringing. I answered the call and it was the friend I'd just e-mailed. I told her I'd just sent her a message and she asked if I wanted to hang up instead of talking. Her call was perfectly timed. She gave me the opportunity to be transparent. She listened to everything and then asked if she could pray for me. Up to that point in time, I couldn't even stand to hear Gary praying for me. It hurt to even think about asking G-d for anything since He'd denied me the one gift I so desperately wanted. Reluctantly, I agreed. Her words were sweet but direct and they were powerfully answered. She prayed against all the lies I was believing, asked G-d to help me, she even asked Him for a dress I could wear that night. After she prayed, I felt better and was able to pull myself together so I could leave the house. I scheduled a hair cut appointment because of the gala that night. Typically, I don't like doing anything like that on Shabbat.

Gary borrowed my car that morning so I drove his to the shop. Somehow I managed to arrive almost an hour early and needed to find something to do. I tried calling several family members back in Arizona but the lines were busy. Then I looked for a CD I could enjoy. Decided to listen to an older Paul Wilbur CD I love. Couldn't tell you which one it was but it had some songs that praised and worshipped Adonai so beautifully. It's embarrassing to even admit this but I thought, o.k. G-d, I don't feel like praising you with my lips but I will out of obedience. Praises did come but not without a little struggle. After a bit I noticed it had begun raining and a thought struck me as I looked at the clock. It was about the time Raquel 's life had started ebbing away. I said (or thought), it's like You are weeping with me, Lord. Then I remembered it had rained every Sabbath since Raquel died. In fact, the first weekend there were tornadoes that struck Georgia starting the night before. The following day one headed straight through our area. Could it really be that the G-d of the universe was showing me that He remembered my sorrow and felt it, too? The moment I made the connection, it stopped raining and didn't pick back up until later that evening. Coincidence? Maybe…

After my salon experience, I decided to try and find a gown. I offered a quick prayer and decided that if G-d wanted me to attend the dinner with Gary, He'd have to find one for me. Amazingly enough, He did. Not only that but in the last possible moment, He helped me find shoes to match. I ran out of the store and headed for Dillard's because I'd parked outside of this department store. Much to my surprise and shock, I saw a couple that looked very familiar sitting right in the middle of the store. After a double take, I realized it was Sheila and Phil. Sheila came over to hug and kiss me. She asked if I was holding a dress for that evening and I joyfully said "yes". Sheila is the dear sister that prayed for me earlier that morning. Running into the lady that prayed all these wonderful things for me was uncanny. The silence I'd so tangibly felt from G-d was over. He WAS reaching out to me and meeting my needs and even some silly desires.

The next morning I gathered ALL Raquel's belongings sent home from the hospital and I put them away. As I held, caressed, kissed and smelled each item, I remembered every time they'd been on Raquel's body or near her. Weeping was filled with a sweet sorrow but not clouded by anger or bitterness. That was new to me and it felt so much better than what I'd previously experienced. I even worked on the birth and death announcements for awhile that afternoon. Healing had truly begun in earnest. Praise the Lord. Coincidently, I checked Raquel's blog and this is the Scripture that was on it, “He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.” (Isaiah 53:3-4)),

One thing I'm learning experientially but haven't fully worked out is this, G-d IS good but not like I define it. To me it means the absence of pain and receiving things I enjoy or want to take place. I learned that good means so much more. G-d's goodness includes instructing me in holiness and not just in making me comfortable. His goodness involves pain at times and not just happy moments. He is molding me into the image of Messiah and forming my character into something far different from whom I am now. Isaiah 55 comes to mind once again (bolding added below by me).

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,"

declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown,

for an everlasting sign,

which will not be destroyed."

Abba prepared me for this season of grief by giving me His word beforehand. I've been going over this particular Scripture since December. I've noticed the rain and snow He's brought Georgia but I missed the nugget about His ways being higher than my ways. He told me in advance that I wouldn't understand His eternal perspective and the work He is doing in my family. Why? He loves me despite my frailty, and my fickle heart. He continually comforts and patiently instructs me.