Goodbye, Jackson

This weekend an interesting (to me) thing happened. Allergies were making me uncomfortable and I had to leave our service in order not to disrupt the message with sneezing and sniffling.

Went to a prayer room and just started lifting different things up to the Lord. There were lots of prayer needs to offer Him but for some reason I felt awkward like I was supposed to be doing something or be somewhere else. At first I dismissed it because I should have been listening to the sermon but wasn't.

When the service was almost over, I went downstairs and ran into a young mom with a beautiful little boy. She said he was fussy so she took him out of the service. I got down to his eye level and he immediately began playing and trying to crawl/walk - move. He gave me his little arms and I picked him up. He started touching my face. His mom said he was intrigued by faces and loved touching them - his curiosity and my blessing. I asked her how old he was (months ago I would have kicked myself for that lapse in judgment). Jackson is almost seven months old. No bells went off and they should have but I guess enough time has finally passed that I've stopped making comparisons or maybe it was just allergies making my head dull that day? Who knows. We kept chatting and I learned she was visiting her sister's family but was moving away soon. When she told me her sister's name, I made the connection, finally.

I'd already met and held Jackson many months ago. Right after Raquel died, I'd seen this little baby in his aunt's arms during a Bible study. After the study ended, there were water immersions planned and that was really the only reason I chose to attend that night. Friends were getting baptized and I wanted to be there and rejoice with them.

When the service ended and I turned to leave, I saw one of our members standing in the center aisle holding a little baby. I knew the child wasn't hers because she wasn't expecting one. My first instinct was obviously to avoid her and walk around to the outside aisles to exit but I knew that I couldn't. So after steeling myself, I walked up and greeted her. I teased about her giving birth so suddenly and she shared he was her nephew. Then she did something totally unexpected. She offered to let me hold him. I wanted to scream, "no, thank you," but instead took him in my arms. The moment I touched him, my heart melted and I wanted to weep but I held myself pretty well until I asked his age. He was seven weeks old. He'd been born during Raquel's ten days on earth. At this news, I began weeping unabashedly and uncontrollably. The tears just kept rolling and I handed Jackson back then ran out the door. My family ran out after me asking what was wrong but I couldn't speak. It's so good to know that God holds all my tears in a bottle and that He promises to wipe them all away, someday.

Seconds before seeing him, I'd said a quick prayer of thanksgiving because I'd managed to not fall apart and was so glad I'd come that night. Now I questioned why I'd attended and wondered if I should just remain at home for a long, long time. Falling to pieces every time I saw a baby or heard a story, especially those involving miraculous healings wasn't easy or comfortable. God didn't let me hide away, though. He has kept me engaged, active and surrounded by loving family and friends.

I never forgot Jackson, though. He is a beautiful little boy with clear, blue eyes and now that he is older, a sweet smile. Seeing him forced me to think of Raquel and where she might be developmentally, if only. His mom gently asked if we were trying to have another child. That question alone would have sent me running not to long ago. I told her of our conviction (this wasn't always the case for us, either) in this area. We believe God opens and closes wombs. When Raquel first died, I didn't want to trust the Lord ever again with choosing our family size but mercifully, He prevented us from taking permanent measures in this area. Over the months, I've asked Him why He might want to open my womb again. I'm perfectly content with the awesome children I have and I'm not looking to replace Raquel with another baby. Not only that but I'm at an age where moving on to the next phase is perfectly o.k. with me. I shared with her that He's given me some clues and one of them is simply this. Should He give us another child, it's my ultimate pro life statement. It's also an act of complete trust in God. From the expression on her face, I think my answer surprised her.

And then I remembered she said they are moving away. It made me a little sad to say goodbye to him that afternoon but strangely enough I felt some closure to a story that started back in April. The lesson I gleaned from this chance encounter is simply this, while the pain remains ever present it is nowhere near as intense as it was in the beginning. God continues to faithfully heal all of our broken hearts. Seeing him reminded me of how far I'd come already. May the Lord bless you, Jackson and keep you. May He look upon you and be gracious unto you; may the Lord shine the light of His countenance upon you and grant you His peace. Baruch haShem.

p.s. The young woman who first handed me Jackson had no idea we'd lost Raquel. When she learned our sad news, she was mortified. She'd spent the last two weeks helping her sister out and hadn't been around anyone at our congregation to learn the news until that night when she witnessed my coming undone.

p.p.s. Jordyn, thank you for bringing me so much joy. Your love, attention, little hugs and smiles are priceless. You always happen on the scene just when I need it most. I love you so very much.